Blame It On the A-a-a-a-artichoke Dip

If I were to grade this year so far it would go a little something like this.

January: A-
February: D
March: F
April: C
May: B

So, I think I'm riding into summer on a strong C. I wish I could tell you why, but as it turns out there are things that are completely unbloggable. Even for me. But, I assure you, we are over the worst of it and I feel like I'm finally leaving Suckville for good. Also, it is not money related, health related, or baby related. Just so you know.

Although, now that I went and brought that up, I have serious concerns in all those areas. One being that yes, as I alluded to in my previous post, we are talking about tiny humans again and the bringing forth of them from my womb into our family. As you may or may not remember, I can barely procreate without dying. Birthing my last child was like sliding into home base one second before the catcher caught the ball. That is, if the catcher were the Grim Reaper, home base my emergency c-section, and the ball my life.

I've always had a gift for analogies.

We know going into this that I have about a 25% chance of a recurrence of HELLP. It's taken us eight years to get comfortable with that. And by comfortable I mean I no longer imagine myself screaming "I don't want to die!" the first time Chris and I attempt unprotected sex. So, that's progress.

Do not doubt that I will keep you posted.

Tomorrow is the last day of school and in celebration Chris and I are abandoning our child with the grandparents and taking off to a cabin in Lake Arrowhead. What, you don't all celebrate your child's academic accomplishments this way? Weird. It's just that I was supposed to buy my plane ticket to New York for BlogHer this month and then because we like to live life on the edge I suggested to Chris that maybe I wait until next month to buy the plane ticket and instead we take the money we had set aside and hotfoot it to a secluded house on a lake with a stack of books, a bottle of wine, and assorted cheeses. I'm such a sweet talker.

It was only after we booked the house that we looked at our cherub of a second grader and realized we were going to be leaving on her last day of school. To make up for it I've agreed to take her to lunch and then shopping before depositing her at grandma's. There will also probably be balloons involved.

To kick off my little comeback post here I think it would be a good idea to bring you all up to speed on various and sundry aspects of the constant party that is my life.

1) The Baby Sitch - As I said, this production is in the works. There will be more scenes unfolding in Act I, including an appearance by a Urologist for something Chris doesn't want to talk about. But, it rhymes with vasectomy reversal.

2) The New Digs - I sort of love my townhouse even though I'm renting at 100 years old. It's light and bright with lots of big fat windowsills for my collection of big fat (undisclosed) cats to lounge around on when they're not launching themselves at the screens trying to get at one of the hundreds of birds that prance around outside. I love it, I really do.

3) My Life of Crime - In a comedy of errors, except without the part where you laugh, I managed to get into two (2) car accidents in L.A. within an hour of each other. I started to tell Chris about the first one when I got home that day and when he started to react I had to interrupt him and say "A liiiiiiitle bit more to the story..." and then tell him about the second one. It was a special moment in our marriage. I think I also somehow made it his fault. My bag of tricks, it is bottomless.

4) My Drinking - This is a tricky one. I have developed an affinity for vodka and cherry coke zero. I call it Cheery Coke. A week ago I would have encouraged you to try it, but that was before I fell over in front of a room full of people trying to HIGH FIVE MY MOM. That's when you know you're in your 30's. When you fall over drunk high fiving your MOTHER.

So, not sure vodka is getting my heartiest endorsement after all. Those potatoes sneak up on you I tell you what.

5) Celebrity (Almost) Sightings - Apparently Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner were at our favorite restaurant across the street last week. There was much woe and thrashing in our house because we had just been there the night before. I'll leave you to guess who was doing the majority of the thrashing, me or my 8-year-old. Shark Boy is pretty compelling.

6) The Dollar Dollar Bills Y'all - Same jobs, same money, same joy and wonderment. In other words, no one's exactly making it rain around here. But, we continue to have big plans. The Mister assures me he's working on something promising. I just hope I don't have to live in this three story townhouse in a gated community on a golf course the rest of my life, you know? The trials I endure, I swear.

7) The Ex Files - Now, this is an interesting development. For a decade my ex files have been a huge Zzzzzz. Nary a sound. Then, out of the blue, within a two month period I hear from all of my ex-boyfriends. The exchanges quickly became awkward when I responded to their emails with what was new with me, surreptitiously skirting around the fact that we rented and I never finished college and have stretch marks, and they all replied with some variation of "yeah, I already know. I read your blog."

Oh. Kay. Then. (Hi, guys! ...stalkers.)

Why it had never occurred to me that I may have been googled by any of them at some point in the past five years baffles even me. I think it's a self-esteem issue. Or an intelligence issue. Probably both.

8) The Child - Flourishing, thriving, growing and such. Savannah received a Scholarship Award last week. For those of you that aren't familiar with the Scholarship Award it basically means "Overall Awesomeness". Seriously. Like she's so awesome they can't pick just one achievement.

*commencing parental preening*

I was hoping it would come with some sort of scholarship-y type funds, but I waited around after the ceremony and no one handed me a check

9) Housekeeper Status - Code Red y'all. Clearly, I'm missing some sort of trait that would compel me to want to keep my house tidy for my family. Plus the geniuses who built this place put the laundry room in the kitchen. THE KITCHEN! Where the cookies are consumed! So now the laundry makes appearances on every floor of the house in various stages of laundering. A clean pile on my bed, dirty piles in the bathrooms, in-transit piles on the stairs, and in-process piles in the laundry/kitchen which are always getting dangerously close to touching the dishwasher. I know, right? Code Red, I tell ya.

I even bought a used copy of this book on Amazon, but when I sat down to read it I was so distracted by the prior owner's notes and underlines that I didn't absorb much. For instance, next to a paragraph on disorderliness she had written "ME" with an accompanying =(. Then she used the highlighter enthusiastically throughout the section on "hiring someone to help". I liked this girl.

But, ultimately it was the big circles drawn around the following paragraph that really sealed the deal for me, "If you can still cook simple meals...if everyone has clean clothes, if the bedrooms are dusted, vacuumed, and aired and the bedding is fresh, you are doing well." Because after that? There were no more notes. That was all she needed to hear I guess. I decided if that was good enough for avidreader121 then it was good enough for me. So, I went back to my Elin Hilderbrand novel (very good reading, by the way).

10) The Weighty Issue - I admit I've gained a few pounds, but I've still kept off about ten by doing nothing more than consistently drinking my morning smoothie and doing the 30 Day Shred thrice a week. On the other days'm so tempted to lie to you, internet. But, I really do nothing else. Oh, also I've discovered wine is the devil when you're trying to lose weight. So, I keep that to a dull roar. I'm really sort of thrilled with my body right now. Only because I'm not putting much effort into it and I have to say I don't look that much different than I did with a personal trainer. Say what you will about that Jillian Micheals, but girl gets it done.

And now in closing I leave you with this story. I'll just give it to you without any context because it's funnier that way. Last month I was accidentally in a gay club in Palm Springs (who hasn't made that mistake?) when some guys came up to me and swore that I looked just like Kristin Davis. I need some gay friends I think.

That is all. Have a great weekend. May you keep everyone in clean underwear and consider your job well done.


Rachel M. said...

Great post Lena, welcome back! At this point I'm happy with clean underwear!!! 8mo pregnant and on bed rest will do that to a girl.

mrschaos said...

Reading this was the most fun I've had all day. And if you think I'm joking, well...I'm really not.

So fun...glad you're back.

Nieciebabe said...

I like the sound of Cheery Coke! And wine is a huge diet disaster.

If I am man is willing to do the reversal, his love knows NO limits, just saying.

We love you and wish you years of happiness AND health!

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Sounds like Cheery Coke turned into Bleary Coke. Yowser.

I have that Home Comforts book - it is covered in a thick layer of dust.

dawn said...

Lovin' it. Wine--huge diet disaster--but so frickin' good--it's the only mother's helper I like.

I am with you on the whole cleaning/domesticity thing. I too was born without that gene. I'll take the advice and thank goodness one of my kids is still in diapers. Only 3 of us need clean underwear.

Anonymous said...

missed your writing! glad you are back!

DianaCLT said...

The Cheeky Lotus is back! WOOT!

Virenda said...

Um... Vodka and cherry coke is delicious, although cherry vodka and coke is even MORE delicious.

And add in a little artichoke dip and I'm happy. Sure my ass is spreading, but as long as I'm five drinks in I don't care.

Kelly said...

Had HELLP 3 times, 2nd was with twins...Taking magnesium w/the 3rd pregnancy got us to 37 weeks (vs. 33 for the 1st 2.)

Becky said...

I just died at number 4. DIED.

And I have that Home Comforts book and I love it--I think I circled the same package. Or maybe you have my old copy? :)

Janice Ellen Wright said...

Wait. Taylor Lautner was Shark Boy? My world makes sense now. Glad you're back, Lena.

Claire said...

Yay! so glad you are back! I love your blog :)

~ Stacy ~ said...

You're absolutely as fantastic as ever! Terrific post!

I'm with ya on the 2010 grade card. The last 5 (going on 6) months have been a D- to an F for me, but I'm hanging tough. Wallowing just isn't my thing. It makes my eyes puffy and red and then I look like a frog. Not. Very. Attractive.

Anyway. Glad to see ya back, Lena. The world is so much more fun with you around. :)

I wish ya all the best.

K said...

Great post. I love reading your blog and hope that you will be back at it soon.

Sue Inge said...

Hi Lena, Great post! I tried your smoothie which is awesome, but today I used SOBE Life water (zero calories) in the Strawberry Dragonfruit flavor instead of plain water and it was delish! Just thought I would share!!

Anonymous said...

This blog would be interesting if any of it were true...

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