Have You Seen Me? I'm Missing

I’m stuck here at work when all I want to do is be at home throwing socks for the cats to watch them slide around on the wood floors and boiling chicken to give the illusion that I have some grand plans for dinner and writing super important life stories on my laptop.

Like how the TWENTY pounds I’ve gained is inexplicably all being stored in my knees and my eyelids. Or how I hired a housekeeper who quoted me $85 and then FOUR HOURS LATER informed me breathlessly and with dust bunnies in her hair, that it would actually be $200 because she hadn’t “looked in the corners before”. (Why would you do that?)

Or how someone asked me the other day if my husband would be able to help them “help a friend monetize $500,000,000 from the Bank of China” presumably because Chris works at a bank. And I was all “huh?” and they were like “the bank is giving my friend trouble accessing his funds” and I was like “yeah no” and then after he left my office I realized that I had just experienced a real live Nigerian email scam IN PERSON. Awesome!

Or I could tell you about how we went to yard sales this weekend and that when I asked about the size of a pair of shorts, the lady answered “13/14” and then felt the need to add “BUT THEY’RE STRETCHY”. And instead of crying I mumbled “You’re stretchy” and sulked off with a rice steamer.

But, instead I am here. Alone in my office. Calculating net present value risk standards. Which is not nearly as satisfying as boiling chicken.

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