I Don't Think The FTC Saw This Coming

So. Since I'm a huge blogger I get flooded with emails all the time offering me free stuff.

I don't want to brag, but the other day I was offered The Singing Lizard's new CD. And then this other time I was offered 10% off a photo album for ME AND ALL MY READERS! 10%! Like you're only paying 90% (+ shipping)! Imagine what you could do with that 10% of savings (+ shipping)! You could buy that stamp you've had your eye on! Or surprise your child with that trip to the end of the driveway! Or flush the toilet again! Why not, you can afford it!

Anyway. I rarely get anything for free for review or otherwise. When I do, by some stroke of luck, it's fun little stuff for Savannah but frankly I feel awkward writing about it here because I'm 1 of about 10 people on the internet who started a blog because I think I can write and I don't really want to push goods. Although I probably will at some point start a review site because I'm willing to sell out if it's confined to one place. And I'm totally going to call it Goodie Pusher.

Anyway anyway. At Blogher a few months back Swiffer gave me (and everyone else) a coupon to try their NEW Swiffer for free. Already owning an old Swiffer and not being incredibly impressed with it, I immediately mailed in for the free Swiffer because I'm nothing if not lazy and Swiffer has really cornered the market on the Lazy Mom.

So, a week goes by and one day a box appears at my front door and I excitedly rip it open. I put the new Swiffer together, insert the solution bottle, admire it for a minute, and then hang it in the garage. Because I was tired from all that snapping into place.

That was about two months ago.

In those two months I've Swiffered my floors at least once a week every week.

And I hated the new Swiffer.

Everything I hated about the old Swiffer remained true.

It would spray weakly. The handle loop was too small to hang it on a hook. The bottle leaked when I turned it over to remove the cleaning pad. It wouldn't swivel over to the scouring pad no matter how hard I tried. I'd eventually have to reach down and manually turn the dirty pad over to the scouring pad side which skeeved me out.

This sucks! I said to myself. I was so annoyed. How can they pass this off as a NEW IMPROVED version when it's the same old crap?

During this time Swiffer started to email me. They were "looking forward to hearing my thoughts on the new and improved Swiffer!".

Trust me, you don't want me to write MY THOUGHTS, I thought smugly. I deleted their emails, annoyed. I imagined my scathing entry complete with pictures. Swiffer Tries To Pass Off Same Old Swiffer As New Swiffer. Swiffergate!

As I wrestled with the Swiffer one last time last week I thought You know what? I AM going to email them. Because it's about time that they got some good quality feedback about what a waste of their time it was to recreate the same crappy product and then pass it off as new! It even looks the same! They'll appreciate someone being honest for once.

I am so. glad. I. didn't.

I hung up the Swiffer in my laundry room where I normally do and then I went out to the garage to empty the garbage. Something I never do. The garage is a place I rarely go. As I walked back towards the door into the house something caught my eye. Hanging next to the door. On its new and improved large purple rubber loop.

It was the new Swiffer.


I had been using my old one. The. Entire. Time.

I'm pretty sure no one is ever going to send me anything ever again. I'm like a P.R. person's nightmare.

In full disclosure, I actually really like the new Swiffer in all of its swively-ness. So much so that I bought another one for upstairs (since this whole stinking house is hardwood which I thought I always wanted but now realize that with three cats and an eight year old it sounds like I live in a bowling alley).

So, technically this is NOT a review. And even if it were I'm pretty sure the Swiffer people would be banging their heads against the boardroom table wondering just where-oh-where the good ol days went when they didn't have to put up with these idiot bloggers and could just lock a homeless person in a room with a Swiffer, a clipboard, and a ham sandwich.


Type (little) a said...

You love in a bowling alley? Kinky.

happy_wife said...

Good to know! I might, and I mean might, just open the swiffer I picked up last September. My closet will miss it, but oh well. I also thought wood floors would be the end all be all....but replace your cats with huge dogs, and Savannah with my 5 month old. I am expecting my baby to caugh up a hair ball any day now. Should be lovely.

Becca said...

Oh man. You had me laughing.

I was reading and thinking, "hmmm well I love my swiffer."

The first time I used it the disposable part was sooo black. Embarassing. Now it's a reasonably brown. :)

Michelle Smiles said...

Amazing how wonderful all hard wood floors sound until you live with them and have to clean them. I had a house w/o a stitch of carpet and I hated it - nothing to catch those tumbleweeds of hair. I also curse that I can't get the swiffer to flip to the scrubby thingy...glad to hear they improved it.

kateastrophe said...

I love Swiffer only because when OLD swiffer exploded all over my brand new faux-wood floors (think bowling alley with a more hollow, fake sound. Uberfun) and caused major damage, they immediately sent me a big check to replace the warped floors.

I immediately spent it on expensive jeans and makeup. The new owners of our old house still have warped floors and I have a pair of William Rast jeans that no longer fit my giant arse. Yay me!

Now I sort of want to try the new Swiffer. I have tile floors though so it's sort of a bummer that if this one leaks I won't get new jeans.

serenity said...

Sounds exactly like something I'd do.

"Swiffergate" had me giggling.


Laura said...

You know, I like my Swiffer fine - but that said I don't actually use it as it's intended to be used, because I, too, hated that it leaked everywhere and sprayed weakly. I also kind of hated buying the expensive replacement disposable pads. So... I put a microfiber pad (for the o-mop... which I could have bought but didn't since I already had a swiffer) on it, use method floor cleaner (which squirts easily out of the bottle and smells nice) and then wash the pad when I'm done. So I guess all I really like about Swiffer is the handle, which is purple and pleasantly squishy. Ahem. lol

JP said...

Awesome. No really...that is fantastic.

jennster said...

HAHHAHAHAHAH- you are the best. and i miss you. let me pet your hair.

Mamapajama said...

Oh my gosh, I wish you would write more often. You are one of the best blog writers out there and I read a lot of them! BTW, I love my new swiffer, you can't have hardwood floors without one! Especially with animals and children in the house! Thanks for the chuckle!!

Neil said...

I always thought it was a Swifter, not a Swiffer. But then again, I used the cheapo fake version that you can get at the 99 cent store.

Anonymous said...
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Maggie, dammit said...

I agree with what Anonymous said, mostly.

For serious, though, I love this post.

6512 and growing said...

If it makes you feel any better, once I drove around for three days with my *lost* keys on the roof of my car (because that's naturally where I put my keys and coffee cup when I'm extracting a child from the carseat). Thank god I didn't lose my coffee cup!

Thanks for the laugh!

Suburban Turmoil said...

Funny! I was thinking the same thing as some of the other commenters- "Hmm, I got the new Swiffer and I love it!" Suddenly at the end, it all made sense!

I love how on Amazon, there are some one star reviews from people about the new Swiffer and they're all like, "It TOTALLY didn't get up the leaves and debris off the floor! I hate it!" and stuff like that. Like some people don't realize you should probably VACUUM before you Swiffer if you've got lots of junk on the floor.

mpotter said...

loved the post.
but i'm the idiot sitting here wondering how swiffer is good for your wood floors...

i used the old-fashioned non wetjet swiffer many years ago--- you know, just the wet pad instead of the dry pad...

and now my wood floors look like crap b/c even though it was barely wet, i guess it was wet enough to clean (and warp) them.

Jay Ferris said...

I still say that a Swiffer is something that will cost you double down in Chinatown, unless of course you bring your own ferret.

Laura said...

That is hilarious--and totally something I would do!

JerusalemStoned said...

blog, blog blog...? :(

Stacey said...

Your blog is such a breath of fresh air. Where are you???

Lotus (Sarcastic Mom) said...

Peed a little just now laughing.

Does Swiffer have a crotch cleanup product? Maybe I should just actually do those kegels I keep putting on my mental "to do" list.

Rachel M. said...

I miss your blog, hope everything is okay.

Heather said...

I am laughing so hard right now that I am crying.

this was excellent.

Crystal Garcia said...

Good to know! I might, and I mean might, just open the swiffer I picked up last September. My closet will miss it, but oh well. I also thought wood floors would be the end all be all....but replace your cats with huge dogs, and Savannah with my 5 month old. I am expecting my baby to caugh up a hair ball any day now. Should be lovely.

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