Back To Fool Night

I know, I know. I've disappeared on you. Off into the ether of YouTube and gossip. But, if you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on it.

I have no idea how that applies here. But, I've been wanting to say it for months. You know, to someone other than myself while I do lunges at the gym.

And I think by "ring", I probably mean "donut".

Speaking of the gym, I've discovered that I sort of love our lame little gym here at our clubhouse. Because no one is ever there. (Chris: Probably because they're working. You know, because we're in a recession.) ANYWAY, I can go during the week in the mornings and I have all the equipment to myself and I can sweat and make ugly faces and be free and if that means in a too-many-beans-for-dinner the night before way SO BE IT.

It's been sort of a love affair with moving my body lately. Honestly, that's why I haven't written here. Because writing requires sitting and I can feel my ass spreading into a throw pillow on the couch after awhile and once I'm done writing at Mamapop, I just can't stand to sit a moment longer.

So, I head to the gym with Jillian's Making The Cut, which is apparently the red-headed stepchild compared to The 30 Day Shred because no one ever talks about Making The Cut and when I tweet it or mention it on Facebook I get zero response. (Except for the same weirdo that asks me if I want to see him in a diaper. STILL NO.)

But, if you get a chance pick up Jillian's book. I'll be honest. I sort of hated Jillian. The yelling, the barking, the insults. And I admit I still am not a Jillian zealot, but her workouts? A-mazing. I've been working out for 10 years and have not seen the results I've seen in the last two weeks. Butt? Perky. Arms? Sculpty. Pants? Looser.


Have not lost a pound. Not. One.

This makes me all kinds of upset because while my eating habits could be better, I feel like BACKWARDS CRAB WALKING should offset a bagel or Rosemary Olive Oil Triscuits (have you tried? Smear with some garlic herb Laughing Cow cheese and you'll collapse into a puddle of contentment on the kitchen floor. But, stick to one wedge. More than that and the cow stops laughing if you know what I mean.).

Anyway, I nearly vomited in a planter after my workout yesterday so something good should come from that, right?

Moving on. The real point of this post was to talk about Back To School night. I posted last week, but then took it down because I realized that reading about what actually happened would be a little more entertaining than what I thought may happen.

Due to a certain mean mom in the class, Back To School night last year was about as fun as using my head as a hammer, but this year it was all kinds of nifty. Because beforehand I got my Chardonnay on with a fellow mommy who, by the way, where the hell has she been for the last two years? Had I known there was a sane person in that damn school this whole drama may have been avoided entirely.

Also, do you want to know how I knew we were going to be good, good friends? When one morning I told her I was on my way to the gym and she sighed and replied "Yeah, I was thinking of going to the gym, but then I thought about going back to bed and it just sounds...better".

So, we decided that we would grab dinner together next door to the school We were seated right away and had an hour to spare, so we weren't worried about drinking too much or cutting it close to the start time.

Tragically, I'm me.

We enjoyed a single glass of wine. We nibbled at our salads. We were a little giggly. Our pizza was late. We started to get nervous. We inhaled a slice as we threw cash at the check and then we took off in a mad dash for the school.

As we raced across the parking lot, the campus was empty. We were late.

Both of our cell phones started ringing. Our husbands whispered angrily.

We arrived at our daughters' second grade classroom, breathless, likely smelling like wine. Sixty parents sat crammed into tiny desks. They were all facing us.

We walked in with our heads down. The teacher turned around.

"You're late".

Mean Mom smugly looked me up and down, a sweater tied over her shoulders, her hair in a bob.

And then I came up with something so perfect and brilliantly crafted it could only have come from a writer's brain.

"Yes we are."

I rushed to Savannah's desk where Chris sat glaring holding a paper owl.

"What the hell?" he whispered.

"How late are we?"

He snorted. "Very."

I looked over at my friend and we exchanged guilty glances.

The teacher continued.

"So, I had a very difficult problem for the class. I didn't mean for it to be. But, I realized that I presented it in a confusing way. So, the whole class got it wrong. Except for two students."

She quickly waved two papers in her hand without revealing their names.

And I could see written across the top in overly large letters that I will never criticize again, SAVANNAH.

I smiled broadly. Crazy drunk unemployed lady turns out genius child.

Chris looked at me. I applied lip gloss and whispered "And that's how it's done".

It was sort of imperfectly awesome.

By the way, since a lot of you asked in comments on my last post, this is the book I was referring to: Girls Will Be Girls. It doesn't suggest wine before Back To School Night. That's all me!


Norm said...

LMAO! Particularly at Diaper Guy and getting your Chardonnay on before back-to-school night; which, awesome.

Boxer said...

First, yay! for the victory. Second, when you switch to vodka before these things, then I'll know you're serious about your drinking.

Y said...

So this new friend...

She's the reason you're NOT CALLING ME BACK. Isn't she?

Amira @ said...

Oh it is such a pity that you're not writing as often as you used to.

Damn hilarious post.

Jillian Michael scares the shit out of me, but I hear good things about her workouts too. Still not enough for me to get off my lazy ass to do any of them though.

And you know, they say that if you have to vomit after a workout, you did something right.

Or. wait. I don't think anyone says that. Just trying to sound helpful..

is it working?

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

Love this! Go Savannah! And go you for finding the perfect friend.

A smart kid, a good friend, and a place to work out regardless of what you had for dinner the night really doesn't get much better!

(Oh...and I love JM as well. I do the Shred simply because it's so quick. I finally started losing weight after the first 3-4 weeks.)

Rachel M. said...

Awesome Savannah! On the Jillian note, I did the Shred DVD and only lost weight when i dropped carbs and salt but meanwhile I gained some awesome arms and lost an inch off my butt! Good times.

DianaCLT said...

YAY! You posted! I was just thinking it might be time to plead for a new post. ;)


Note to Savannah's teacher: Back-to-School night is for the parents. The parents are not your students. Get over yourself, and your talking-down-to-the-fun-moms 'tude.

As for the stick-up-her-butt mean mom...go ahead and tell her she can wipe that smug look off her face on your ever-perkier butt. ;~D

Jillian Michaels...I have one of her DVDs. Couldn't bend my legs for a week after the first try! But that means it's working, right? ;)

Traci said...

I can't imagine BTS night any other way!

Diaper Dude made me choke on my soup.

Bad Home Cook said...

Bwhahaahah! "And that's how it's done.."
I gotta take lessons from you, lady.

cakeburnette said...

Jillian is the devil. But her workouts...WORK. Yep, I agree with the previous poster that it took about a month-6 weeks to see results on the scale. And it never was a large loss. But, after a couple of months, I went from a size 8 (truthfully, it might have been a 10) to a size 4. Remember, she's building up your muscles, which weigh more than your fat. And really? You want to lose inches more so than pounds, because the inches are what people notice. What is "Making the Cut"? I've never heard of that one, but I own the shred; the evil, evil shred...

Lena said...

Oh, I should've been clearer. Making The Cut is a book. With pictures. Which I MAYBE re-drew as stick people in my notebook and took with me to the gym.

Ali said...

I love Jillian Michaels but a workout that makes me vomit is NOT for me. which is why I work out in my bed with my laptop and my dvr. :)

also...I am so envious that you found THAT MOM. I haven't found one at my kids' school yet.

Stillie said...

I bought the 30-Day Shred a few months ago. I'm not sure I've unwrapped it yet. *sighs* I SO need to get my butt perky again...

I'm a teacher and I've found that the parents that are a little more loose and, well, not the sweater-around-the-shoulders and bob-wearing kind of parents are much better to deal with. Wine-into-giggles parents are better than coal-into-diamonds parents, if you get what I mean...

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