It's Like "The Real Housewives of Orange County" Meets "My Life On the D List"

Sweet hotcakes, it's summer.

I wish I could sound like a sane person and claim that the reason I'm excited for summer is because I look forward to Savannah whining at me all day about what we're going to do FOR KIDS. (By the way, this tragically does not include Target, Trader Joe's, the mall, Starbucks, or the gym. It does however include the pool, the park, and looking at puppies that I'm going to be harassed to buy.)

But, that would be lying. The real reason I'm looking forward to summer is because I have a crippling case of social momxiety. I don't know what it is - I have no problems making friends elsewhere. Maybe it's that I'm traumatized from the hell on earth that was kindergarten. Or maybe there's just something about moms at school that makes me a complete moron.

Like last week when I finally got up the nerve to invite another mom for coffee under the guise of planning the class party, but then she misunderstood my email and thought I was referring to the meeting where ALL the 1st grade class moms were getting together to meet about the party. So, I showed up at 7:00 a.m. at school with flat ironed hair and mascara and a pedicure wearing a PEASANT TOP for godssake and she wasn't even there, her husband was.

And then I tried to casually ask him if his wife was coming to school this morning? Because we were supposed to have coffee? Maybe I misunderstood? And then he was like "I have no idea" and he looked at my patent leather sandals a little sympathetically I think? And then he suggested I call her and then I'm like DO YOU HAVE HER NUMBER?

It was just...bad.

That probably would not have stung so much had I not just had to convince someone that I wasn't pregnant.

God, it hurts to even write about it. I'm typing with my eyes closed.

So. It was my daughter's party. Yes, P-A-R-T-Y. Of which I was the host. I was standing at the front door (of the ridiculously overpriced loud petri dish of a bouncy entertainment center which they should just rename You Need a Bath and I Need a Drink) and I had the joy of welcoming everyone's children.

There were a few mothers milling about at the entrance signing in their kids when one of the moms leaned into me conspiratorially and whispered "Lena? You're pregnant?".

At first I felt nothing. Kind of like those stories you hear where someone gets their leg bitten off by a shark and they fight the shark off and feel nothing and keep swimming to land and have no idea they lost their leg until they try to stand up? It was kind of like that.

I laughed at first. "Oh, no! It's just the shirt". I patted my stomach for effect. Not very convincingly because THEN SHE NUDGED ME WITH HER ELBOW like "C'mon you can tell me."

She insisted "Yes, you are. It's IN YOUR FACE."

And then? I swear to god, she puffed out her cheeks and POKED THEM. I'm assuming this was in an effort to break me down, me and my tall tales of gaining 20 pounds from wine and Bristol Farms cheese samples instead of, you know, a growing human.

I shook my head again, without a smile this time. "I wish" I said.

In all honesty, she looked a little horrified. I almost felt bad for her. Almost.

I spent the next few days trying to pretend this conversation never happened and to secretly but frequently make fun of her hair.

But, then I saw the pictures from the party. And I saw this:

And, um. Yeah. My bad. So. Thanks H&M for making me look pregnant and then reminding me I'm barren! You rock.

That picture scared me straight and I've been back on the program ever since - eating right, exercising and all that jazz. And you know what? I kind of hate it. But, I've lost 4 pounds and I keep slinking around the house asking Chris if he still recognizes me, so I think it's paying off.

Friday was finally the last day of school putting an end to my social misery. Not only did Savannah get an excellent report card (all O's! Which I think are better that A's. Not sure.), but I caught Are-You-Pregnant mom checking out my new workout pants and then went to lunch with Stood-Me-Up-For-Coffee mom.

I think this means 1st grade was a huge success for me. Savannah is so proud. But, I'm in no hurry for September.


Danielle said...

Is it weird that I do a little happy dance whenever I see a new Cheeky Lotus post on my blog reader?

I didn't think so either.

I know how you feel! I just got a boyfriend and realized I'd lost 10 lbs without realizing it, but then I went on vacation and I'm pretty sure I found them again, so I'm edging horrifyingly close to actually engaging in a healthy lifestyle. Y'know, in an effort to keep said boyfriend.

Oh, sure, he insists he loves my curves but we all know this to be LIES! Evil, evil LIES! And in no way am I using my relationship to justify my own insecurities about my body...or, y'know, something like that.



the-red-scorpion said...

I think peasant tops make EVERYONE look like they are expecting!
I also get excited and emit a small squee of glee whenever I see a new post as well.

Michelle Smiles said...

I don't think you look pregnant! But seriously you should never ask a woman that unless you see an arm dangling between her knees. Ack. Just awkward and ugly for everyone.

And I am so not looking forward to dealing with kindergarten moms.

red.queen said...

For the record, you don't look pregnant at ALL in that picture. So she's delusional. And it's a cute shirt - the green looks great on you.

The thing to remember about mom-cliques is that between high school and mommyhood, every group you find yourself in is one that self-selects to be full of people with whom you have similar interests - your jobs, your hobbies, etc. But there are no hiring qualifications for motherhood - so you're suddenly returned to the "enforced socialization with people you wouldn't ordinarily choose to hang out with" stage. And then you have to sort through them all and find the cool ones. Here's hoping Lunch Date Mom is one!

Karen A. said...

Yes, I think Lunch Date mom looks promising! So glad you're writing. If you can post once a week I will do a happy dance too.

Katie Abanson said...

Peasant tops are just no good. My grandmother (who is 80 and has no internal edit-button) just told my sister (wearing a peasant top at the time) that she looked pregnant. Nice.

If it helps, my future mother-in-law told me on Saturday (after hearing that I had grilled chicken and peppers for lunch) that all I needed for dinner was a bowl of cereal. Which is her way of saying "you look fat".

Hooray for people who should have their mouths sealed with duct tape!

Ali said...

every single thing at H&M makes me look pregnant. awesome.

MichelleRenee said...

I'm so glad your back.

I too suck at the mom "are you my friend or not thing".

Summer Rocks because I don't have to get ready to go drop off and pick up.

Griffey and Charlie said...

My favorite time that someone asked if I was pregnant was when I was in my early 20's. I was a store manager for The Limited and was wearing this horrible little sleeveless black and white color block tunic.

I went to Mrs Field's and the guy behind the counter asked if I was expected a "girl baby or a boy baby". I must have had fire shooting out of my eyes, because, he looked horrified, and then proceeded to give me a dozen cookies for free:) After that...I really looked like I was pregnant!

Andrea said...

It's probably not as bad as you think, but I personally like a bit of fear to motivate me into weight loss so I would probably actually welcome such a mistake, lol!

For what it's worth, Miss Manners says that one is ALWAYS to silently assume weight gain and never voice suspicions of pregnancy, up to and including the point at which the woman in question basically doubles over and shouts "call an ambulance, my water just broke!"

Too bad that particular mother had never read Miss Manners :P

Kelly said...

Oh Lena, I wish our kids went to the same school. Cuz then we could sit back, gossip about the mean moms and not give a crap that we get snubbed every now and then... (ok... for me it's all the time...)
And weight gain sucks. I think I gained 20 pounds in ONE year and it has taken the last YEAR for me to take off only TEN pounds.
Ugh. Ten more to go, and one more year to wait for it to happen (at least for me. I'm what you might call a "slow mover".)

mothergoosemouse said...

I've had people ask me if a friend of mine was pregnant (she wasn't), and it was excruciating enough to tell them no on her behalf that I can't even imagine how you must have felt.

You look great. I'm really sorry that I won't be at BlogHer to tell you that in person.

Jeannie said...

oh honey, thanks for the guffaws and i'm sorry another woman your own age would actually say something like that ... but the pics and the captions made me laugh! still, i feel your pain, i really do. if you lived here, we'd be pals b/c i need some starbucks loving friends too and i pretty much isolate myself from other school moms. you are hilarious and a wonderful writer and i'm glad you're back on the stick and i sure wish i could go to blogher but i've only been at it a short time and besides, i'd be scared to talk to anyone!

glad things are looking up for you and you could quit your job. seriously.

yours of the run-on sentences,

jeannie (from FB! i have no problems making FB friends :-)

Rubberbacon said...

That happened to me 5 months or so post pregnancy at the nail salon. I was leaning back to have my eye brows waxed and the other technician looked over and rubbed her belly while pointing at my mine - which was only defined because I was leaning back in a chair and my shirt had draped around it damn it! I never went back. My eyebrows are now natural with a few at home plucking attempts.

Serenity Now! said...

that almost left me speechless.... I can't believe she asked you that. I just .... uh... who raised her?

Anonymous said...




JoAnn said...

I've been a reader for a while now but I seldom post. But I just have to add myself to your legions of fans who gets excited to see another post from you! You speak my language and oh. my. god. do I totally get how you feel. It must be universal. I think being a kid is hard these days but I also think being a mom is hard. So many expectations to be super mom!! I think you're awesome. Funny as hell and gorgeous to boot. Killer combo!

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Butrfly Garden said...

Last summer I wore a dress from Target to my grandma's house and when I got there, she GRABBED MY BELLY with BOTH HANDS and JIGGLED IT, smiling like a damn fool. There was just no way to hide that awkwardness. None.

Mrs JP Chaos said...

I've never been good at the school-mom thing. I've just decided it's because I'm way cooler than they are. ;)

lynn @ human, being said...

Ugh. School moms. I signed up to plan Lauren's 2nd grade Valentine's Day party, and it meant meeting with the classroom mom. We should have had a lot in common. She's a photographer. I'm a photographer. She does PR. I do PR. She has a 2nd grader. I have a 2nd grader. What's not to bond on.

Well, apparently A LOT. Because while she and her husband live in the school neighborhood (where homes start at about $500k, and where my kiddo's dad lives, the bastard) I live five miles down the road in a ghetto. Apparently. As evidenced by the slight pinching of her mouth when I described where I live. And the fact that I have to work fulltime OUTSIDE of the home, leaving Lauren in AFTER SCHOOL CARE (the horrors!).

Thank God she had that quad venti skinny no whip sugar free mocha with a triple squirt of cinnamon to hide her horror in, otherwise I don't know how she would have survived the AWKWARD meeting with a lowlife like me.

I wish I could make mom friends like my mom did.

BTW you are hilarious and I love your blog, so I'll likely comment a lot now that I've found it, which doesn't mean I'm stalking you.

Marjorie said...

You're just so, so funny. I didn't think I had enough energy to laugh right now, but you did it. Thanks. :)

iheartchocolate said...

I didn't know you were back! I checked and I'm glad!

The work thing? Me too. Actually, everything? Me too.

I had someone ask me if I was pregnant after I had lost 30 lbs and was feeling great about myself! I was mortified. I balked about it for 6 months! It's been over a year and it still bothers me. Bleh.

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