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4.20.2009

Have You Seen Me? I'm Missing

I’m stuck here at work when all I want to do is be at home throwing socks for the cats to watch them slide around on the wood floors and boiling chicken to give the illusion that I have some grand plans for dinner and writing super important life stories on my laptop.

Like how the TWENTY pounds I’ve gained is inexplicably all being stored in my knees and my eyelids. Or how I hired a housekeeper who quoted me $85 and then FOUR HOURS LATER informed me breathlessly and with dust bunnies in her hair, that it would actually be $200 because she hadn’t “looked in the corners before”. (Why would you do that?)

Or how someone asked me the other day if my husband would be able to help them “help a friend monetize $500,000,000 from the Bank of China” presumably because Chris works at a bank. And I was all “huh?” and they were like “the bank is giving my friend trouble accessing his funds” and I was like “yeah no” and then after he left my office I realized that I had just experienced a real live Nigerian email scam IN PERSON. Awesome!

Or I could tell you about how we went to yard sales this weekend and that when I asked about the size of a pair of shorts, the lady answered “13/14” and then felt the need to add “BUT THEY’RE STRETCHY”. And instead of crying I mumbled “You’re stretchy” and sulked off with a rice steamer.

But, instead I am here. Alone in my office. Calculating net present value risk standards. Which is not nearly as satisfying as boiling chicken.

17 comments:

Jay said...

You take all the time you need... I'll keep you in my reader so long as you continue to grace us with these wonderful quarterly updates!

Sparrow said...

We've missed you, hon.

Y said...

Do you know what your office needs?

A goat. It needs a goat.

Ree said...

Somehow, even though you disappear for a while, you come back as strong as ever.

Chin up honey. There will be time to boil chicken at 2 a.m.

Rubberbacon said...

$200 dollars! That is highway robbery!

Stephanie D. said...

OH GF - I have missed you terribly. My hubby & I are going thru the SAME thing...and it truly sucks! However, you are right, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger! Oh yeah, and I keep chanting that just so I won't take my Ginsu knives and hurt someone. ;)

Hang in there and please don't disappear again... us poor schmucks out here in internet-land, need you and your sense of humor.

Linda said...

Even after a month you come back funny as hell, woman.

red.queen said...

$200 - that's incredible! I think I'd have argued with her - she quoted you a price, then doubled it because she wasn't paying enough attention? Her bad. that's all I have to say about that...

Maybe "stretchy" lady meant, "13/14 - but they're stretchy, so they'll be small enough for you anyway?" :)

Glad to see you again - (which probably sounds creepy because I usually lurk, but am a regular reader. I'm trying to un-lurk myself.) :)

MouthyBroad said...

in person nigerian scam! that IS awesome. oh how hilarious. but you have a job! i think your last update was going to an interview looking like a pilot. this seems like life improvement to me.

Andrea said...

Oh, how I miss you! Your "voice" makes me smile.

mothergoosemouse said...

You have an office? I would happily clean your dust bunnies in exchange for an office.

Boiled chicken, on the other hand...

Sunk Costs said...

You tell her!

But they're stretchy. What a lame thing to say.

Boxer said...

I hope you told that housecleaner she just needs to get better at quoting. Not your problem-o.

Nice to see you back.

April in Dallas, TX said...

Thoroughly enjoy every post. Have been catching up on your past posts for a while now, and just find you to be so much fun. Some blogs amuse me, but yours makes me laugh at loud...at home by myself(because I am laid off from the Mortgage World for 5 months now)
Your family including yourself, is beautiful!

Serenity Now! said...

I have missed you! :)

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

中醫減重
中醫減重
中醫減重
中醫減重
中醫減重
花蓮民宿
花蓮民宿
花蓮民宿
花蓮民宿
花蓮民宿
花蓮民宿


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