I’ve Eaten All the Frozen French Toast, So I Guess I’ll Write Now

After a very long month of unpacking boxes and hanging pictures and painting (Savannah’s room is such a hideous shade of pink that it looks like we’ve been slaughtering farm animals in there) I’m finally ready to enjoy my new little home. And I do mean little. If you come in the front door too fast you’ll run right out the back door. The only person not laughing at this image is Chris since he knows that’s not a joke. (And also the people who didn't find that funny and maybe they should read it again.)

Another fun feature of our tiny new home is that our bedroom window is perfectly aligned with our neighbor’s bedroom window. So, that if one were to, say, sit up in bed and stretch in the morning without closing the blinds, they may or may not be met with a perfect stranger’s face three feet away.

Like this:

In all honesty, the nudity thing doesn’t bother me that much. I’m much more concerned about being caught sitting on my bed watching My Super Sweet Sixteen reruns and eating an entire container of onion dip in the middle of the day. You know, occasionally.

Chris calls it “an urban feel”. I think he’s just hoping to catch people having sex.

That’s really the only downside. Otherwise, I’m sort of absolutely in love with this place. The wood floors, the new cabinets, the vinyl windows, the toilets that produce nothing more than a nice sealed flush without leaking under the floorboards and growing toxic mold. It’s almost like people actually cared about this house. And the random boob flashing isn’t that big of a deal really. It’s not like I couldn’t use a new friend.

Speaking of which, making new mom friends at Savannah’s school has turned out to be about as easy as trapping a squirrel and then getting him to sit at my desk and do my taxes.

Last year’s group of mom friends was “a false alarm” and that’s about the nicest thing I have to say about that situation.

So, this year I decided I was going to ignore the social aspects and throw myself into volunteering at the school and maybe gain some mom friends in the process. I joined the PTA and became the head room rep. The funny thing about this is that every one of my friends that has older children laughed when I told them this, apparently in on some untold joke.

Well, the joke is this: about 70% of the classroom’s parents do not participate or donate.

Isn’t that so super funny? I laughed about it as my requests for yearbook help went unanswered, chuckled heartily as I sent home my third flyer imploring parents for donations for the Fall gift basket to raffle off, and giggled delighted when no one returned my calls to volunteer in the damn library.

After my fourth and final flyer for Fall gift basket donations, I finally got some action yesterday and collected a measly $30. But, I think that’s only because it said:


Seeing Savannah’s face when I’m in her class, which is often, makes it all worth it though. She’s so delighted to see me there working that she randomly bursts from her desk to run over and kiss me just to make sure I’m real. You would never know that most days end with “You never let me do anything!” and “This is the worst day ever!”. I have no idea where she gets her dramatics. From her dad I think.

P.S. On a totally unrelated note, I closed my garage door onto my car, which has nothing to do with anything except that I didn’t know that was possible, but apparently it is if you accidentally shut the hanging rope handle in your car door and then repeatedly try to back out and cannot figure out for the life of you why EVERY TIME YOU BACK UP THE GARAGE DOOR COMES DOWN ON THE CAR AND EVERY TIME YOU PULL FORWARD IT GOES UP and you do this for a few minutes before you notice the dangling rope handle hanging inside your car and you go ”. . . oh” and then you get out and open the door and remove the rope and pull away and see the garage door bent and broken behind you and then you wonder if the parents aren’t responding to your emails because you’re really NOT the head room rep, that the real head room rep is secretly collecting tons of donations and doing great real projects, and that they just told you you were the head room rep to keep you busy and out of their way.

I guess it’s related after all.


La Petite Chic said...

Random boobabe aside, it's wonderful that your new home makes you so happy...and healthy!! And that garage door story totally sounds like something I would do. You know, if I had a garage!

JP said...

oh, just had to say thanks for the laugh. Eyes are watering and everything.

Glad all is well with the move.

Chris said...

Tax preparing squirrels? Was that on Oprah?

the projectivist said...

hi cheeky lotus!
i'm so pleased i dropped by - the image of that garage door saga had me snickering like a witch on crack.

Anais in Wonderland said...

That garage door story had me laughing like a loon. Thanks. I needed that.

mothergoosemouse said...

How did I not realize you were back?

I can identify with the crazy pink room. Tacy's looks like she splashed the walls with Pepto.

Butrfly Garden said...


How is your car?

After the last "painting the room pink" fiasco we had (eye-burning pink), Alyssa's walls here have been stark white since we moved in...three years ago.

Erin said...

I laughed so hard at this I may or may not have choked a little on my own saliva :) The garage door thing is TOTALLY something I would do.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I am the class room mom in my son's kindergarten class. I too am wondering if it is just to keep my out of the way.

If only I had thought about the basket full of porn we may have actually gotten some donations AND some bids on the basket at the auction. Oh well...there's always next year!

Thanks for the early morning laugh. The image of you in your garage will be with me all day!

Red Dakini said...

u r 1 of the funniest women ever! please post more!

Oh and the other moms don't like u cuz ur so cute!

Jay said...

Here's hoping you have some hot-ass neighbors.

The Over-Thinker said...

Will photos of the neighbors be in the porn basket?

Good God, you are a funny lady.

Cary said...

I donate what I can to our own PTA, and work as a volunteer for an organization my son is involved in. I can certainly empathize. I find, in order to get results, you have to actively (read: aggressively) pursue such contributions. Getting parents to commit during a face-to-face seems to be much more successful.

Good luck! hehe

Real Live Lesbian said...

Who knew garages were so much fun? And neighbors, too!

Pass the onion dip.

Griffey and Charlie said...

I had something happen similar to your garage door story. I came home from shopping at Target, and the top I was wearing (Calvin Klein from Costco) had these little metal things attached to the corded drawstring that went around the collar. Somehow one of the metal things got caught in the seatbelt clasp mechanism. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get out of the car! I sat there tryng to pull it out and it wouldn't budge! I considered taking off my top and walking to the garage in my bra, but as I live across the street from a Christian school, reconsidered that option. I couldn't break the cording and it wouldn't come loose, so I had to wait sbout 30 min for my husband to come home. Good times.

Anyway, I'm glad you're writing again (the cat and the treadmill story is one of my all time favorite blog posts!)

sheila said...

Congrats on the new home.
I got that sinking in the pit of my stomach when I read about the whole PTA thing. I got suckered into being PTA president (yes, that quite humored my family and friends who actually know me). You'll get the same 2 or 3 people volunteering to help and that's about it. It's a frustrating and thankless job.

Also, had to laugh about the garage door. I've ruined 5. Yes 5. Two had to be completely replaced (ripped completely off the garage) and the other 3 just repair calls (off the tracks). So you're not alone, and yes, there is someone more lame. lol

Lisa said...


I totally know about the ass parents at school...glad to know I'm not the only one going thru that.

Anonymous said...

So glad to be reading your posts again!
Don't feel bad about the garage. I did a similar thing; except I almost killed myself. Back into garage with groceries. Unload groceries. Shut the dumb extension cord (from motor to wall plug) in back hatch door. Try to pull up into driveway to give husband back his parking spot. Car won't go and everytime I push forward, weird creaking sound and lots of resistance. Get out and see that there are 'cords' hanging out of my back door. Cluelessly grab one to try to figure out what it is. Live wire (from the broken extension cord coming out of plug in wall). That hurt! Scared me way more than it hurt.

Truth Is A Weapon said...

The garage door thing is complete hilarity - I wish I could have seen it from your driveway.

PurpleClover said...

OMG. The post script was friggin' hilarious! This is so something I would have done and the inside monologue in my head...sigh.


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