Conversations I've Had Today or Where's My Bailout?

Scene: On IM this morning.

"Mom, my car got broken into last night! I think they stole my checkbook!"

Lena's Mom: "Lena! Oh no! Did you lock your car?"

Lena: "Yes! I always do!" --> (all indignant)

Lena's Mom: "How do you think they got in?"

Lena: "Through the windows."

Lena's Mom: "Did they break them??"

Lena: "No. I left them down."

Lena's Mom: ". . ."

Lena: "It gets hot here, Mom."

Lena: "Mom?"

Lena: "Hello?"

Lena: "Can I borrow some money, mom?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Scene: In my TINY bathroom with my landlord's agent, a middle aged married man who has never been very nice, explaining how the owner showed me the leak. He is backed into the corner and we are about a foot apart.

Landlord's Agent: "So, can you show me this mold you're talking about?"

Me (bending over in a tank top): "Yeah, see it's down here behind the toilet. Mr. Owner looked at it last week. He brought out his instrument and he rubbed his instrument all over the wall and floor and showed it to me and it was red. Which means that there's moisture."

Him: "Uh huh. I see."

Lena: "Yeah, I wasn't sure if there was moisture until he rubbed his instrument all over the floor and showed me and then he told me "It's wet all over there". Otherwise, I wouldn't have known."

Him (face flushing): "Okey dokey"

Lena (in her head): He's totally nervous! He knows there's mold and he's nervous! He's thinking lawsuit! He's totally scared! Mess with the bull you get the horns my friend!

Lena: "Yeah, you can ask him. I'm sure Mrs. Owner isn't happy that he rubbed his instrument right in front of me, so I could see where it was wet. That was the only way that I knew there was moisture there!
If he hadn’t showed me his..."

Him (beet red, staring past me out the open door): "Well, okay then. Alrighty. I think I've got it."

Lena (in her head): Why is he blushing? Why is he acting so skittish? …Oh my god. Why do I keep hearing myself say "RUBBED HIS INSTRUMENT AND THEN SHOWED ME"?

Lena (gets up off floor): ". . ."

Him: ". . ."

*awkward pause*

Lena: "So!
You'll let me know if we get our deposit back?"

Him (still staring past me): "Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Willllll do."

I'll keep you posted if we get the whole thing back. I'm betting yes.

I'm not gonna lie to you. It was painful to watch.

P.S. - You guys. What is wrong with my cat?
Why is he so enormous?


Jay said...

I'm sorry, how wasn't this supposed to work in your favor?

Stacey said...

That sounds so awkward! I hope it gets you your deposit back though.

I had my wallet stolen out of my open window while I was in the gym once. During the day! So don't feel bad.

- Stacey

Y said...

I can't stop laughing at "it was red. That's how I know there was moisture."

I feel a new business coming on. "Ask me about moisture."

Butrfly Garden said...

Me and my pervy mind - it went there right away.

I'd put money on you getting the deposit. :)

DianaCLT said...

See? I told you - mention mold and get your $ back! (Diana, meanwhile, is patting self on back ;)). Did you cough a lot? Tell him how you and the family (inc. cat, of course!) have had respiratory issues? Although - I applaud thee for inducing much discomfort with a little tank top usage and pervy language. Whatever works (and whatever you're comfortable with!)! :)

I had my whole car stolen once. Why the hell can't car thieves leave cars with carseats, strollers, and stuffed animals the hell alone?!? It really sucked, having to buy a new carseat while sobbing hysterically and waiting for DH to drive 1 1/2 hours to pick me and my son up! And then not having my son sleep for 2 days because his beloved Monkey was stolen along with said car (7 stores later, I finally got him an exact replica of said Monkey...except it was too clean and new so then I had to wash it a number of times to make it more like the original beloved snot-covered, drool-covered, squeezed-to-death-and-sweat-on Monkey).

PLEASE tell me/us you called the bank about your stolen checkbook!

Shannon said...

I particularly like the pregnant pauses from A)Your Mom; B) The agent and C)eventually, from you ;)

Your cat's head and body don't match. A very humorous picture. Speaking of pictures, where's the latest Savannah pic? We haven't seen her for AGES. Or you, either, for that matter. Any new pics of you outside a Big Lots?

Oh, and I'm sorry your checkbook got stolen. That makes for a sucky day.

Missy said...

ROFL my husband would probably love to script a scenario like this for me. That's just awesome... You'll get a deposit back, let's just hope it's the one you WANT! LOL

Karen A. said...

I'm with Shannon. Where are recent pics of you and your pretty family? :)

Katie said...

huge body, tiny head. I love those kind of cats!

sheila said...

Are we related? Seriously! OMG you are too funny!

Kristin said...

Let me know if you get your deposit back... if you do, I've got some tank top wearing/bending over to do...

gina said...

This has got to be the most hilarious story I've read in at least 30 days.

It reminds me of the time we were listening to the report from the home inspector after he'd just inspected our soon-to-be first house and he kept saying "caulk". Caulk this and caulk that. My guy and I had just been talking about how much caulk sounds like cock. At some point the inspector said caulk one too many times and we burst out laughing like a bunch of fucking morons and the inspector and the homeowner just looked at us like we were on crack (though I think the current homeowner got it and secretly thought it was funny but didnt wanna make an ass of himself like us.) It was horrible!

Marjorie said...

Oh, wow. I had a lousy day, but you just made me laugh and laugh and laugh... Thanks.

Tammy said...

Maybe your cat is fat cuz he/she eats too much?? Or maybe he/she is
diabetic. I have had friends with fat cats that were diabetic. If he isn't yet, obesity does lead to diabetes in cats as well as humans.

Mamapajama said...

I'm soooo happy your back!! I just happen to see your blog posted as a fav on Yvonne's site and I got soooo excited to see you posting again!! As far as your fat kitty goes, if you only feed him crunchies, that could very well be the problem. My sister's cats are the same exact way and she doesn't over feed them. Try half a can of wet food once a day and some crunchies mixed in.

the projectivist said...

oh that poor, poor agent!
man alive that's funny.

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