What better way to kick off my return to the internet than with a word problem? Guess what age
…oh my God, I just had to interrupt this entry to run outside and yell to the garbage man “you’ve been paid!” so he would stop and take my cans. And I shouted across the neighborhood like this “No! No! No! You’ve been paid! Come take my cans!” as I waggled my finger at him in Target pajama pants and no bra. And then as he was backing up I did the “hand phone” thing with my thumb to my ear and my pinky to my mouth. I was trying to tell him to call the office to confirm my payment, but he gave me this weird look and I think he thought I wanted him to call me?
Anyway. Back to my word problem. Guess what age group we’re talking about here:
Girl A meets Girl B. Girl A likes Girl B. Girl B likes Girl A.
Girl A meets Girl C. Girl A likes Girl C. Girl C wants Girl A to die in a fire.
Girls A, B & C try to be friends, but not really since Girl C says things to Girl A like “You should get into acting. They don’t only want pretty people.”
Girl C doesn’t want Girl B to be friends with Girl A anymore. So, Girl C makes it her mission in life to exclude Girl A and sabotage the friendship Girl A has formed with Girl B. For an entire school year.
Girl C spreads rumors about Girl A and begs Girl B to dump Girl A. Eventually, Girl A has enough of it and demands Girl B stand up for her. Girl B claims to be “afraid” of Girl C and cuts off friendship with Girl A.
Girl A is hurt and angry.
Girl C is thrilled.
Go ahead, guess. Who acts like this. Five year olds? Six? Seven?
No, try 42.
Forty year old women act like this! Women 20 years out of high school! Mothers with daughters who have NO PROBLEMS with each other.
Did you know this was going on at school? Why did no one warn me? Behind those Gucci glasses and underneath that Garnet Hill cashmere wrap is a nasty little wanna-be prom queen ready to write on the bathroom wall of your psyche.
Savannah is thriving in school and yet I feel like someone is taking a cheese grater to my face every time I have to interact with these bitches. Chris says to just kill them with kindness, but I just can’t seem to get past the killing them part. Is that wrong?
Oh, well. What Girl C doesn’t know is that Girl A has a blog. And a camera. And Girl C has a big photographable ass. So. There. Stay tuned for that display of maturity.
In other news, I’m 31. I know, I know. Where does the time go? I’m getting so big so fast. (Seriously, I am. It’s amazing how much weight you gain when you’re not putting pictures of yourself on the internet anymore.)
Turning 31 was actually a breeze. I have no idea why. I guess because so much aging happened overnight when I turned 30, that by the time I turned 31, I was just relieved to see that while the pencil does stay nicely tucked under my sagging ass, a magic marker has nothing on me. Victory!
So, I’m happy to be back in the blog saddle. I have missed you guys terribly and it feels fantabulous to be writing again. Projecting on my friends with long winded and witty emails has been getting tiring for them I’d imagine. I leave you with this.
Upcoming Posts and Their Working Titles:
I Have Hair Where?
Are You There Bankruptcy Attorney? It’s Me, Lena.
I Kicked a Girl and I Liked It
When Good Beach Playdates Go Bad
Why My Knees Make Me Cry
It’s Always Fun Until Someone Finds Mold and Breaks Their Lease
What I Know For Sure…About Oreo Pies
101 Rumors To Spread About Another Mom (I’m taking suggestions on this one. For research, people.)
As you were.