Here's a Hint: I'm Girl A

What better way to kick off my return to the internet than with a word problem? Guess what age

…oh my God, I just had to interrupt this entry to run outside and yell to the garbage man “you’ve been paid!” so he would stop and take my cans. And I shouted across the neighborhood like this “No! No! No! You’ve been paid! Come take my cans!” as I waggled my finger at him in Target pajama pants and no bra. And then as he was backing up I did the “hand phone” thing with my thumb to my ear and my pinky to my mouth. I was trying to tell him to call the office to confirm my payment, but he gave me this weird look and I think he thought I wanted him to call me?

Anyway. Back to my word problem. Guess what age group we’re talking about here:

Girl A meets Girl B. Girl A likes Girl B. Girl B likes Girl A.

Girl A meets Girl C. Girl A likes Girl C. Girl C wants Girl A to die in a fire.

Girls A, B & C try to be friends, but not really since Girl C says things to Girl A like “You should get into acting. They don’t only want pretty people.”

Girl C doesn’t want Girl B to be friends with Girl A anymore. So, Girl C makes it her mission in life to exclude Girl A and sabotage the friendship Girl A has formed with Girl B. For an entire school year.

Girl C spreads rumors about Girl A and begs Girl B to dump Girl A. Eventually, Girl A has enough of it and demands Girl B stand up for her. Girl B claims to be “afraid” of Girl C and cuts off friendship with Girl A.

Girl A is hurt and angry.

Girl C is thrilled.

Go ahead, guess. Who acts like this. Five year olds? Six? Seven?

No, try 42.

Forty year old women act like this! Women 20 years out of high school! Mothers with daughters who have NO PROBLEMS with each other.

Did you know this was going on at school? Why did no one warn me? Behind those Gucci glasses and underneath that Garnet Hill cashmere wrap is a nasty little wanna-be prom queen ready to write on the bathroom wall of your psyche.

Savannah is thriving in school and yet I feel like someone is taking a cheese grater to my face every time I have to interact with these bitches. Chris says to just kill them with kindness, but I just can’t seem to get past the killing them part. Is that wrong?

Oh, well. What Girl C doesn’t know is that Girl A has a blog. And a camera. And Girl C has a big photographable ass. So. There. Stay tuned for that display of maturity.

In other news, I’m 31. I know, I know. Where does the time go? I’m getting so big so fast. (Seriously, I am. It’s amazing how much weight you gain when you’re not putting pictures of yourself on the internet anymore.)

Turning 31 was actually a breeze. I have no idea why. I guess because so much aging happened overnight when I turned 30, that by the time I turned 31, I was just relieved to see that while the pencil does stay nicely tucked under my sagging ass, a magic marker has nothing on me. Victory!

So, I’m happy to be back in the blog saddle. I have missed you guys terribly and it feels fantabulous to be writing again. Projecting on my friends with long winded and witty emails has been getting tiring for them I’d imagine. I leave you with this.

Upcoming Posts and Their Working Titles:

I Have Hair Where?

Are You There Bankruptcy Attorney? It’s Me, Lena.

I Kicked a Girl and I Liked It

When Good Beach Playdates Go Bad

Why My Knees Make Me Cry

It’s Always Fun Until Someone Finds Mold and Breaks Their Lease

What I Know For Sure…About Oreo Pies

101 Rumors To Spread About Another Mom (I’m taking suggestions on this one. For research, people.)

As you were.


Kateastrophe said...

My head just exploded with joy because you're back. I personally missed you so, and I'm sure I'm not alone.


Frema said...

You know, I normally remove an outdated link on my blogroll after a couple of months. So why did I leave yours up for eight months? And check it every couple of weeks?

Because of posts like this.

Welcome back!

Carrie said...

So glad you are back! I have missed you!

The Dalai Mama said...

Welcome Back. I have missed you and your witty honest look at life.

Looking forward to spending my days with you all over again.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

Clearly Girl C is jealous of Girl A. Probably has something to do with butt sizes...just a guess.

Butrfly Garden said...

Girl A is just better than Girl C and it scares the prissy crap right out of Girl C. Girl A is MUCH better off not trying to please Girl C ever, ever again.

I do agree on the killing them with kindness. Or at least maintaining a pleasant attitude when you're around them so they don't know they've gotten to you. Plus, actually killing them requires SO much work.

Andrea said...

You're BACK! I check in here at least once a week to see, just in case, and I'm so, so happy to see you back! Haha every time I pass anything with Hannah Montana on it I keep thinking of your concert post when you took Savannah, and now that my housemate's three year old daughter has learned the words to Best of Both Worlds I find I think of that post even more often :P SO glad you're back!

And yeah I figured that Those Girls never really grow up. Looking forward to the photos.

MichelleRenee said...

I'm so glad your back..

You have been missed.

Jamie said...

So glad that you are back! I had just re-read a bunch of your old posts a couple days ago. What? I'm a dork? Oh. Anyway, glad you are posting again, so I can lurk again.

Kathy said...

Yay! Girl C sounds like a real hoor. Let's form a posse and TP her house.

Anonymous said...

Oh Lena you have been SOOO missed.

I was SOOOO excited to see in my email "I think I'm ready".

I did not used to post much but now I will if it will keep you bloggin!

How can I miss someone whom I have never met but feel closer to than my neighbor.

Can't wait to get caught up and have some laughs each day!!!!!!!


JP said...

I KNEW I shouldn't stop checking! :)

I'm rootin' for Girl A!! :)

chirky said...

In that case, maybe it's Girl C who should be taking acting classes?

Anonymous said...

I'm so excited that you're back!

Anonymous said...

I'm so very excited that you're back. I said "YAY" out loud when I saw the email that you posted a new husband looked at me kinda funny! I look forward to all the upcoming posts! Don't leave again, please!

La Petite Chic said...

Lord, I'm even more pissed at Girl B for being a disloyal pushover!!

Katie said...

its stories like this one about the garbage man that I have missed. and when your blog was highlighted with a "new post" on my bloglines I damn near dropped my contents. sweet surrender! welcome back!

mori-chan said...

Welcome back "girl A"! You are too funny!
And you know it' sad how grown - but obviously not mature - women act. BUT if us ladies are the ones complaining (and we aren't like that) then why aren't there more of us out there who don't pull this kind of crap?
OR.....scary thought - maybe the messed up ones think they aren't messed up?
I am going thru that right now. And it just depends if I get the cold shoulder or stink eye from some of these moms at my girl's school. The things we do for our kiddos. Maybe homeschooling isn't such a bad idea :P

Anonymous said...

Dear god!!!!!! I laughed my butt off, I totally had one of these experiences a few months ago with B & C, I totally walked the other way from both!

Michael said...

Glad your back. Now, just the thought of you standing in your yard yelling at the garbage man...I have only one question. Were you wearing a shirt with your "target pants and no bra." Because I'm guessing that might have been why you got the weird look from the garbage man. Just a thought.


DianaCLT said...

I shall throw an extra problem into the witty words of Girl A: what does one do when Girl C is also Girl A's son's effing Kindergarten teacher? And yes, she's friends with all the Girl Bs, does not hide the fact that she does not like Girl A, and (very unprofessionally) talks about Girl A behind Girl A's back to the numerous Girl Bs?? Girl A's solution, when she finally got the nerve: complain to Girl C's boss on the last day of school! know...when it was too late to actually make a difference in Girl A's daily life. But - Girl A does see Girl C sneaking glimpses from time to time this new school year, and looking horribly uncomfortable. :-D

Cor said...

long time reader, i think a first time poster. glad you're back!

Anonymous said...

Some women never grow up, and that's just sad. On that note, who wants to TP Girl C's house?

Lena said...

dianaclt - NO. WAY!

mommy2twindaughters said...

Welcome back!!

islaygirl said...

omg, you popped up on my twitter and i was all, "no! really? no! it's an internet burp!" but THERE YOU ARE.

thank God.

Y said...

Kill them with kindness is great advice. But I'm all about having a bbq in your front yard so they can SEE WHAT THEY ARE MISSING OUT ON.

Another piece of advice, which I may or may not have already told you? Pretend you don't see their ring. Because that shit work.

eeeeeeeeeeee! I'm so happy you're blogging again. I love you, My Blena

Anonymous said...
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Jay said...

I don't get it. Does the naming convention of these women have anything to do with bra size? If so, I want to be friends with Girl C.

Linsey said...

Oh My, how I have missed you, Girl A.

The Laundress said...

I KNEW it was the mom's and not the kids...I must be at your school too...Oh wait..I have my own set of beyatches in my neck of the weeds.


You've been missed. And thought of..and I'm happy you're back!

Lena said...

Anonymous - That is EXACTLY what I am hoping will happen. Because I'm pretty petty.

Anonymous said...
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badgermama said...

Good thing I'm not in that equation or you'd have to worry about who was sleeping with who, on top of all that!


Anonymous said...
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Michelle said...
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aniko c said...

I am so happy you are back! I have missed you terribly and am a faithful reader. What a great way to kick off your return! Well, that being said, I am quite honestly repulsed by the ugliness of the two comments above. I hope that in the future your blog will attract the smart, savvy women I know have read your blog in the past. I feel like I need to take a shower after reading the comments above to wash off the filth. My heart goes out to the unnamed women who were just 'outed' in such an obscene manner.

Welcome back, and I am looking forward to the next post, and the next... you are back on the top of my favorites list. Great writing!

--Aniko C, Asst Prof of Linguistics

Domingo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kristabella said...

Welcome back! Way to come back with a bang! This is why I could never quit Google Reader because I would have never known you were back without it!

Thea, NYC said...

I agree Aniko! I did notice that the girls outed posted nasty grams above those you were talking about, guess what comes around goes around. Goes to show some people just need to get lives! I totally love the blog, and was hoping it would all be put to an end! Thanks Lena!!

The name's Anais. said...

It's so nice to have you back. I've been an avid reader of your blog since ClubMom. =)

Can't wait for the new posts.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're back!! F Girls B and C; if they've done it to you, they've done it to other Girl A' just need to find them and then have your own posse. :)


Izzy said...

Welcome back, wench! You've been missed. Oh, and I think Girl C is need of a Nair cocktail ala Gossip know, if you were looking for ideas.

The Over-Thinker said...

I think one of the most disappointing moments in my life was when I realized that adult women can be such flaming assholes. I SO HOPE you post her ass on your blog. We can play guess-the-dimples! (Please note that I can say this because my ass is perfect and totally doesn't have dime-sized dimples on the right cheek.) (They're on the left.)

Beth said...

Oh, Lena,
I checked your blog every week or so, just hoping you would come back ... and you have! I'm so glad!
As for Girls B and C, you're better off without them; B was unloyal and C just needs to grow up.
Thanks for coming back.

Debbie said...

Welcome back, although I had not read you brfore. Very interesting and comical the way you write. "I'm Girl A" sounds like the Hindenburg tragedy!
"Oh, The Humanity!" (cringing and breaking into tears!)lol
But I DO get your point and it can be very frustrating. Well written!

Marcie said...

So glad you're back. I was going through my bookmarks and deleting a lot of them and I clicked on you and was so happy to see some posts!
I am the mother of a 8 & 5 year old girls, and I hate the "high schoolishy" feeling I have with the other mothers. Ugh, it just sucks

Danielle said...

I'VE MISSED YOU SO! It was a huge blow when one of my favorite bloggers went away. I actually stopped reading most of my blogroll because what was the point? Without Lena so much of the fun was missing.

BUT NOW YOU'RE BACK! And I have dogs and college and I'm probably going to blog a lot more now! Yay!

gwendomama said...

I have jumped in and been in your thoughts. srsly.

and this is the one that makes me want to hug you and step on girl Cs feet. and then stuff her in a locker.

i am not a violent person.

Hammondxcvu said...

I have jumped in and been in your thoughts. srsly. and this is the one that makes me want to hug you and step on girl Cs feet. and then stuff her in a locker. i am not a violent person.

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