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9.13.2007

A Confession

It's a funny thing, blogging.

I look at you all as my friends. We may not talk much or know each other outside of our blogs and I'm terribly horribly awful at answering emails, so you may not even feel my love. But, I promise, it's there.

Throughout our entire house ordeal, I am embarrassed to admit that I thought of you often. I included you in staging the house when we listed it 105 years ago. I ran to you with our first offer. And the second offer. And when that fell through, the third and fourth offers. Then when we finally went into escrow, I had to sit on my hands to keep from rushing to the internet and telling all of you before we knew it was official. Maybe it's my overblown sense of self-importance, but I really felt like you would care; that you would rejoice with me.

And you did.

Then, when things looked bleak, I ran to you for strength. Strength from every single one of your comments and emails. I would hit publish and I knew within hours I would be buoyed by your positive thoughts, your jokes, just your being there.

The tough part is that I started to feel an obligation to you. An obligation to deliver good news. An obligation to give you a happy ending.

Two weeks ago when we found out that the buyers' loa*n fell through, six hours before we were due to close escrow, one of my very first thoughts was "I can't bear to tell the internet this. They'll be so disappointed."

As I watched Chris struggle to try to keep it together that afternoon, I decided that I couldn't share this story any longer. It was never just my story. It was his too. And he had been humiliated enough. We had been humiliated enough.

So, please understand that I just could not talk about it anymore.

I struggled for days with how best to handle the situation. I knew that no matter how the story ended, one day I would share it with you. But, how could I move on from the subject for the time being without being dishonest?

So, I cryptically posted "Closed". And those of you who smelled something fishy filled my email inbox letting me know you wouldn't be put off so easily. "Chapter closed good? Or chapter closed bad?" one of you asked.

I know that this is my blog; my story. I have been writing publicly for two years and lord knows, I have held back very little (much to my mother's dismay). I also know that I could shut it down tomorrow and you'd forget about me five clicks later, but that's not the point.

The point is that you're not a writer if you're not honest.

I was honest then when I said the chapter was closed because it was closed to me. I couldn't allow myself to cry about it, to talk about it, to think about it, to write about it. Any. More.

And I am honest now when I share with you that we did in fact finally close escrow. We closed yesterday. And now we can all truly put this behind us.

When my realt*r called yesterday with emotion in her voice and said wearily "It's all over. Escrow closed" I felt such profound exhausted relief that I can move on. Both in my writing and in my heart.

Thank you for being you, internet. I couldn't have done it without you.

50 comments:

Amy said...

I'm so glad that the chapter is over for you/us, however I'm even more happy that you shared it with us. It was like getting to the end of a book and the last chapter had been torn out. BUT. That's the good thing about us...we're here for the good and the bad. Always. My biggest fear from the "Closed" post is that you were shutting down and I'd never "see" you again! Thanks for coming back to us.

Kelley said...

I understood. I understand closed. I understand stop-leave-me-alone-I-don't-wanna-share-anymore.
I understand.
I have been there. I have lurked on your blog living it all again (our situation was a little different, but the pain is still the same)
But I didn't handle it all as well as you and with such humour.

sweetney said...

what a relief! for you AND the internet! ;)

xoxo

Two Kids and a Husband said...

Glad it is all over... So now you have to tell us how your kiddo is doing in school did you get her in where you wanted to?

How is that going???

Julie

verybadcat said...

You know, that's what's cool about *your* blog, and *your* story, and *your* life- you have complete control over what to share and what not to, and when. I'm so relieved for you that everything went through and that this is over for you. I was worried, but, even though I am too young as a blogger to understand that aspect of it, I have often retreated from my friends and relatives and said "we're not talking about that anymore." Because it is my life and my story, and also because it isn't *just* my life and my story. So, we understand, and we love you anyway.

Kim said...

I've only come to your blog of late so I am not across all of this clearly exhausting story. But congratulations?

Anonymous said...

CONGRATULATIONS!

KK said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

All Adither said...

Very glad for you. Selling a house is draining and sometimes quite awful.

Dawn said...

I am so happy that it is finally behind you. Me and my fellow interneters will pop open a champange bottle and celebrate for you--as I can only imagine how drained you are from the whole ordeal. At least it is over.

chicken said...

I am glad it worked out for you.
I hope things have calmed down and you can get back to normal...whatever that is!
Thanks for sharing that part of your life with us. You certainly are not alone in your struggles...

Anonymous said...

I confess, I'm a lurker. However, it would take more than 5 clicks to forget about you if you never blogged again. I check a few of my favorite bloggers every day, including yours, for new posts. I feel for you and everything you and your family go through, including Savannah's first day at school even though I don't own a house and am not a mommy yet. So, as much as you depend on the internet to 'pick-you-up', I depend on you to make me smile too! Keep up the 'good work' and I'm sooo happy that the bad part is behind you guys!

Stephanie D. said...

OK, now "I" feel better. LOL! It's like reading a book and when you get to the last page, someone has ripped out the page. I so wanted to ask you for more details, but felt that "Closed" was all you could handle. I am so relieved and happy for you guys! Money troubles just SUCK the life right out of you, don't they.

WOO HOO for all of you AND the internet. We are all celebrating with you! :)

jen from boston said...

I can't even begin to imagine what it felt like for you and Chris 2 weeks ago - the emotioanl rollercoaster/trainwreck it's been for the both of you.

I am so thrilled to hear that it is finally, truly behind you.

Congratulations to you both!

Busy Mom said...

I am very happy for you both.

Sara said...

Lena,

I have read your blog for a long time now and have never commented. If you stopped blogging, I would really miss your writing, though it sounds ridiculous in a sense to say that since you have no idea who I am. BUT STILL! YES, we are there with you and wish you all the best. The one thing we all have in common is this strain of humanness...we all struggle in our lives and face great things and challenges. That's what I love about reading blogs; it reminds me that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing.

Kathy said...

I'm sure "relief" doesn't even cover it. Congrats!

alice said...

Congratuations, Lena, to you and your family. That's great news. And add me to those who would take a bit more than 5 clicks to forget about you - I know that internet friends are very, very different from in-person friends, but we're not all *that* flighty!

However, I also completely understand needing to keep a piece of yourself back, especially when it's a piece of your family. You're very generous in your writing, and sometimes you need to make sure that you're not putting out more than you want to. Thanks for making sure that you're happy with what you release out into the great internets, *and* thanks for closing that chapter more fully for us!

jcmaas said...

First and foremost.. a massively HUGE congratulations!!

Second and more importantly... not only would you NOT be forgotten in 5 clicks by anyone who reads your post more than once, but I honestly believe that there isn't a single one of us who would ever forget you or be really sad if you stopped blogging. I think there are some who would have massive withdrawals... but we don't want to get into the obligation stuff. Speaking of which - while I'm guessing that the majority of us loyal readers LOVE how much you share with us to help us laugh, feel normal and a give us a strange sort of connectivity and sense of friendship.. you should NEVER feel and obligation to put yourself beyond comfortable. There is a line between sharing and caring and none-of-your-damn-business even with your closest family members.. nevermind your internet followers. None of us (should) feel entitled to any part of your life. It's yours to share or to keep to yourself. We are just thankful that you do write about whatever! You're a joy Lena! Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your life.. and please! Don't ever talk about leaving us again! :p

Michelle Smiles said...

We wouldn't forget 5 clicks later.

Congrats on finally being done with it. We've reached the point with our house selling saga that we just want it over so we are lowering the price yet again.

lizinsumner said...

Lena - I TOTALLY understand. And, a little unsolicited advice from someone who's several years beyond a house situation somewhat similar to yours - do yourself and really, really big favor and remember that when you say "don't look back", that includes all of the times that you'll be tempted to sit around and beat yourself up horribly for whatever reasons involving the whole situation....it doesn't help. There are times even now still when I find myself thinking things like "you're such a loser/coward, you should've bought another house by now, what are you waiting for", etc., etc. The U.S. makes home-ownership out to be the end-all, be-all of adulthood in this country, and everyone else will say you're an idiot for "throwing your money away on rent". But, do some reading and do some math - owning property isn't always the best investment in your future, and it truly isn't for everyone! I haven't had to worry about equity or upkeep for several years now - and I like it! The mutuals in my 401k have kept up with and even surpassed what a house would be "gaining". So, when you feel the urge to feel bad about it all - just don't! You did great - pat yourself on the back instead!

Y said...

You were just USING US!!!!!!!!!

haha.

You know how happy I am that it's over. Now, as soon as I lose 50 pounds, we're totally going to go celebrate.

Trenting said...

Thanks for sharing.. What a great post..

Ginny said...

Whew! What a relief for you all! I, too, figured it had worked out and that you no longer wanted to think about it, much less write about it! I'm so happy everything is over. Looking forward to reading about your new stress-free life! (insert winky icon here)

Tara in VA said...

Oh, thank God. I am so glad this turned out okay in the end after all. I was very scared that I knew what "Closed" meant, and I felt so terrible for you. Of course I wanted to know what had actually happened, but I also completely understand the feeling of not being able to share anymore, not right now anyway.

So, so happy for you. Hugs!

Jhianna said...

Whew, that's so good to hear! Share what you can when you can, and it's all good.

Laural Dawn said...

I totally get what you mean about feeling like you know the internet. I actually thought about you and your house - cause it mattered, even though I will likely never in a million years meet you!
The thing with blogs is that sometimes you share more than you would in person. I do. I guess it's easier.
I'm glad this chapter is over and that it's solved. Seriously. What a relief.
And, I've got to tell you - after living through a nightmare like you have I'm so grateful to just be where we are. The other day we went to the bank to meet about something and we had a chance to look at our credit scores and a bunch of financial stuff. After 3 years of serious serious issues (where we could have lost everything) we saw scores that were getting better and loans that are somewhat manageable and I started to cry.
I actually thought that no one could understand how I was feeling - just the relief. But, I think you totally could.
Wow. Sorry for rambling :)

Kristabella said...

I'm glad to hear it! I'm glad that this ordeal is over for you.

I totally understand. I think we all do.

And it would be more than 5 clicks for us to forget you.

Congrats on it really being CLOSED.

takin chances said...

I had been wondering about you for a while now. SO very glad to hear things are done and ended well.

Liz said...

this is great news! congratulations.

and cheers! to the next chapter. may it be wonderful and relaxing.

Sharon said...

Congratulations! I'm so glad this is over for you guys. Thank you for sharing the good and bad. It has helped me keep our situation with trying to buy a house in prespective. We closed yesterday.

Onward and upward, right?!? :)

superblondgirl said...

Dude, I could never forget you! You are in my blogroll and my google reader! I would miss you!

I'm glad it's really over, and I hope that you are as happy as you can be about the whole deal.

The internet, she is hard to satisfy. You have to sort of censor yourself, even if you do it way out on the edge of where your mom things you should be censoring. As long as you're cool with that level, that's all that matters. So when you put up "closed", I worried for you, but I also knew you'd let us know what you felt you could share, when you were ready. I trust you, girlie.

lisa said...

Lena, Lena, Lena,

You silly girl. You look to us as friends, but guess what, we look to you the same way! No clicks could ever erase you, and the humor, tears and family reality you've brought me in your blogs. It's funny, the internet has given us a whole new category for friends. The woman I would call my best friend lives in a state I've never been to, and I've only spoken to her on the phone 1 or 2 times. We were both creeped out by the fact that we sounded alike on the phone, so we ended it quickly. Over the last 6 years, we've shared life and family dramas over yahoo and email, and I can honestly say she knows me better than most.

But since your post that said this chapter is closed and to not talk of it again, I've come back so many times, praying to see an update. I couldn't bring myself to email you; I took your statement about not speaking of it again to heart. I knew there must be some serious pain you were going through, because in all the time I've been reading you, you've never held back. I fought myself (pretty much daily), wanting to email you and offer support, encouragement, something, anything just to let you know I was still there to listen, if you needed it. But I kept reminding myself, that as much as we couldn't forget you, I knew you couldn't forget me (us) either, so I waited. And can I tell you my fingernails are in band-aids?

So after all that, I'm so glad you got through this, with your family by your side, and a SOLD sign! I'm glad that Savannah started school during this time as well, to give you something to be distracted over.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
lisa

Angie said...

I'm so happy for you! We all have been here for you and supported you all the way. I know I wouldn't forget you five clicks away that's for sure. I think "we" need another name other than "the internet". We can be your Cheeky Loti or your lotus blossoms...sounds more personal. Do we get to see pics of the new house? Mornings are never easy when school is in session and you have a time crunch. Get EVERYTHING ready the night before so its...up, clothes, food, teeth, out the door. The simpler the better for everyone.

Keep up the great writing and congrats again on your closing. Eventually you will be able to look back on this without such horrible memories.

DianaCLT said...

5 clicks?!? No way! What would I do with my life?!? I check (both of) your blogs more frequently than I go to the bathroom! LOL!

I kind-of suspected that things had gone badly. But you made it quite clear you were done talking about that. Even if only internet acquaintances, I didn't want to overstep. I'm so glad things worked out! I have no doubt you're sleeping better than you have in over a year.

Do enjoy this weekend, Lena. Enjoy your family. Enjoy your freedom from the shackles of worry and fear that you've been feeling for so long now. Get out and have a LOT of worry-free fun! And hug your sweet daughter and loving husband tightly. :)

Kristin said...

Whew... I have been holding my breath since that "Closed" post and am really so very happy for you and Chris and Savannah and your well deserved peace of mind.

xx,

K.

Dani said...

I'm so glad it's finally over, and I'm even more glad that it ended well.

No way could I forget you in five clicks. You're one of my girls. My lovely, precious girls from all over the female spectrum who let me into their lives just a little with each post.

Five clicks? Never. Five million clicks? I'd still be looking at my somehow emptier "Favorites" folder thinking "I wonder what Lena's up to". You remain the only blogger ever to make me cry, and you've become one of my best friends whom I've never met (there are a lot of them).

So, you've always got a willing ear right here in New York, and that ain't changing so long as you keep blogging.

Luvs.

susies said...

Close that chapter. Read "The End" and start a brand new book. One not written by Stephen King on crack. Get a nice lighthearted, funny, easy-to-read one started - more like a Sophie Kinsella.

islaygirl said...

i'm so relieved and glad for you. xx

Lori said...

I had a reader on my blog tell me to come read you because I'm close to facing foreclosure and she thought I could find some comfort reading someone going through the same thing. I ended up reading all your archives and I can't wait to read any new entries. I'm just so happy to find another blog I really like, they are hard to find. So please don't go, I just got here.

Major Bedhead said...

Congratulations. Both for closing and for remaining relatively sane during the upheaval.

Heather B. said...

Yay! I'm so very happy for you. I shall now have a glass of wine and toast to you. xo

Kim said...

Praise God! Im so glad that this chapter is closed- closed good!

It's easy to be honest when life is going well, and fun to be honest when it's getting crazy, but so difficult when life it veering off course. You, as you well know, are opened up for criticism and judgement from those few who always do....but you also ring a chord of humanity that resonates with everyone who says, "there but for the grace of God go I..." as well as those of us that say, "Im not alone, someone else is struggling too." It is then, when your writing is not just fun or interesting, but it is strengthening and building those friendships, friendships of faces you will never see or know.

May your new home, new chapter be blessed!

Beth said...

.....and now you can exhale and move on. Congratulations and much thanks for allowing us all to put a face to the current housing/mortgage crisis lest we forget that real flesh and blood people are facing terrible decisions.

Poppy said...

I missed all the drama but I'm so happy to hear that you no longer own that house and you can indeed move on with your lives.
Congrats and best wishes for a wonderful future :)

Suburban Turmoil said...

And you still have your hair! Whee!

Congrats!

Shash said...

I am so glad for you, Chris and Savannah that this is over. Tell him thank you for putting up with us during this ordeal. I'm SO glad this is well and truly closed. Go enjoy each other again, and thank you for coming back and keeping us in the loop. Raising a glass in celebration!

Shash

Mom101 said...

Enough about us - HOORAY FOR YOU!

b said...

Good for you. May you speak freely about your BMW and Starbucks without fear of the *ssholes who tell you how to spend your money.

Butrfly Garden said...

That's really ironic to me to come back and read this a week late. Because when I looked the daunting 160 posts on my google reader after only a couple days actually spent working all day, my first thought was, "I'll just clear it and visit the blogs in my circle to catch up. Who's going to miss my long-ass comments anyway?" Not that your post was directed toward me or anything, but it was a nice post and makes me happy to be one of your readers. I'm glad I didn't go with my assumption that you didn't care if some of us commented or not.


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