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7.16.2007

The Good News Is I Can Start Letting Savannah Hold My Cigarettes

There's no easy way to say this, so I'm going to have to just come right out with it. I know that this will shock some of you. You may not be able to read the entire post. There may be some tears.

I have a mullet.

Not just like a "haha when you part your hair that way it does sort of look mullet-y", but an honest-to-Nascar "business in the front party in the back" mullet.

File this under OMG! I HAVE A MULLET!

I asked to have my BANGS TRIMMED.

I have not been able to find a decent stylist since we moved here four years ago. I would hop from referral to referral never very pleased with the results. I have naturally curly hair which I often straighten. So, I need to have some layers in the front, but BUT (!) I need them to be long and blendable since I also wear my hair curly and need the waves to flow together.

No one seems to be able to handle this.

That is, until our cruise this year. When, on a whim, I got THE BEST HAIRCUT IN HISTORY OF HAIRCUTS.

When we returned home from Mexico, I was high on my beautiful layers and once again intoxicated with hope that I could find a stylist to recreate the magic that the middle-aged bald gay man had on the ship. The only thing I had to go on was that he was Vidal Sassoon certified and told me I needed an "A frame" cut.

So, a couple months ago I set out to find someone Vidal Sassoon certified who knew what the heck an "A frame" cut was. That's when Robin came into the picture. Robin - big loud obnoxious Born Again Robin who I hope dies in a fire - insisted she knew exactly what type of cut I needed. The result wasn't half bad - it was cute enough - so I considered it a minor success.

Then. Yesterday happened.

I returned to Robin and asked that she please "just trim my bangs". I explained to her that my cut was already flat and that I wanted to just give it a little more fullness around my face.

Please learn from this. Do NOT ever say "fullness around my face" unless you mean "can you please make me look like an angry panda".





Robin grabbed a huge chunk of my hair, lifted it above my head, and CHOP.

FOUR INCHES fell to the ground.

I gasped. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"

Robin immediately started rattling off about "L.A." and how "everybody wears their hair like this there" and "this cut is so now" and "don't you trust me?".

"This is not at all what I asked for!" I cried.

She started fussing with it and putting a bunch of product in it and the more she fussed, the fuller the top of my hair got and the flatter the bottom of my hair got until finally all I saw was Joe Dirt.

I literally grabbed her hand and ordered her to put the scissors down before I drove them into her thigh. Then she asked me, accusingly, "Don't you ever wear ponytails?".

What. The. Hell. Ponies?? I wanted my BANGS TRIMMED.

File this under OMG! I HAVE A MULLET!
Lena does not like the baby horses on her head.

I can't wait to see you all at BlogHer. I'll be the one wearing the Confederate flag and bragging about how big my trailer is. You can call me Lena Jo.

So, let this message help put your problems into perspective. Let the lesson fill your empty ungrateful soul. I hope you take the time to hug your kids a little tighter. Laugh a little longer. Love a little deeper.

And kiss the ground that you have lived another day WITHOUT A MULLET.

****
You know who else does not have a mullet? Sarah from In the Trenches of Mommyhood. But, she does know her 80's movies. You rock, Sarah. ...But, not as hard as I do obviously.

40 comments:

DianaCLT said...

Oh Lena, I'm so sorry.
Now, I don't think your hair looks all that mullet-y. I do see a lot of women with hairstyles similar to yours. BUT, I know what it's like to feel bad about your haircut. I know what it's like to feel all mullet-y on the outside, making you feel all mullet-y on the inside, too. I usually have very short hair, and it is SO hard to find someone that can cut short hair on a woman, so that she does, in fact, look like a woman. I know the damage a bad haircut can do to one's psyche! There have been sooo many occasions where I, too, had a mullet. Or just ended up looking man-ish! YIKES! So - have an extra margarita tonight, create a voodoo doll in the evil-doer's likeness...whatever necessary to feel better about your mullety self! And I promise, you do not look like Joan Jett, circa 1980-something, to the rest of us. ;)

Becca said...

I got a haircut from a new stylist on Friday (the day before my anniversary, because I am a genius). I asked for 1 or 2 inches off, and within a few minutes, seemingly half my hair was chopped off. I now have pseudo-bangs, bah. To be fair, I've gotten to kind of like the new cut, and I was sick of the old one, but I was just so pissed about not being listened to.

chris said...

I don't think it looks that bad. But it would be really funny to black out some of your teeth and wear those pony tails. ;-)

I had a string of bad hairdressers too who just did whatever they wanted. A few years ago I discovered this small hair place that mainly caters to the geriatric set, but you know what the girl there does exactly what I want. And it is like half the price

Lena said...

Diana - I'm way ahead of you. On my second margarita. ;)

DianaCLT said...

Good for you!

If you run out of tequila or decide you'd like to switch over to daiquiris, just holler...
I'll be right over with our collection of imported rums. ;-p

And maybe I can pick up some banana clips or other mullet-friendly hair accessories on my way over!!!

Beth said...

Lena,

I live in the South and have seen way to many mullets in my lifetime. I can assure you...your hair does not look even remotely like a mullet.

I've had my fair share of what I considered horrible haircuts but of course they always grew out. I think I read in Cosmo that the more margaritas you drink the faster your hair will grow!

I think you and your hair are gorgeous. Keep writing such wonderful posts!

Butrfly4404 said...

OMG UR SO SCENE!

Seriously, love, image search "Scene Hair" and you'll have 150000 hairstyles to choose from. As long as you don't mind coloring your hair in chunks and wearing little girl barrettes (cue the pig tails).

Okay, enough teasing. But that IS the cut she gave you. Not a mullet, just...80ish - which is what's cool now. When you live through it - NOT cool. When it was JUST before your time - WAY cool (or do they not say WAY anymore?).

I had the exact same problem when I chopped my hair for LOL. I said "Something I can work with...a few long layers...frame my face." I walked out with one of those cuts where the front is longer than the back and the back had so many layers...it's just bad. I told her flat out I won't wear my hair curly, but she INSISTED that is how I should and that's the cut she gave me. I'm over it now. I found a way to make it cute for a while. But if I ever see that bitch in a dark alley she better run like hell.

~JJ! said...

OK Lena Jo.

But I'm here to tell you...

A) That is not a mullet! It is adorable! I know you know what a real mullet looks like. And I do too, I've dated a few...Ugh...I only admit that to make you feel better.

B) You are frickin' beau-ti-ful! You could be bald and have burlap sack on your head and you'd still be gorgeous.

So please don't worry...I know. Easy for me to say...

I need to dig up some of the bad haircuts I've had and invest in a scanner...just for you!

Kathy said...

We are so having a "Who Has The Worst Hair" contest at BlogHer because I have a reverse mullet. Short underneath and long on top, thanks to my last pregnancy. It's so on. I'll wipe the floor with your "mullet".

*flips uneven dried out stupid hair*

Two Kids and a Husband said...

Oh Lina...I feel your pain I really do..I have naturally wavy/curly/straight in some places/puffy in others hair and NO one cuts it well... NO ONE... Once I got so pissed off I asked them to just cut it off...I got a boy cut...I hated it... it has taken me over a year to grow it out and now I will be VERY selective when getting a hair cut...

Julie

Lena said...

Kathy - HAHAHAAAA!

You did NOT say a reverse mullet. Let us hide in the corner together.

Tracey said...

You're moving to the OC, right? I know there's plenty of skinny fashionable bitches there that can fix you right up!

Frema said...

First of all, I understand your pain. Right now I live in Indianapolis, but I still have my hair cut in Chicago because I love my stylist that much and I've had HORRIBLE luck when I tried to find one closer to home.

Second of all, BlogHer, woo hoo! See you there. :)

Missie said...

Lena,
I used to live in SoCal about 10 miles from where you're moving. I have a friend who is super picky about her hair, and always had fantabulous results at this one place in Irvine. I can get the name from her if you want.

Also, am from the South. So as one from the South, I am duly qualified to tell you this... I know some mullet-heads. I am friends with some mullet-heads. I may even be related to some mullet-heads. And you, lady, are no mullet-head.

You could be all trendsetty and say it's a long "Rachel" and bring it back into style. And then we could all copy you and drink coffee together and go work at Central Perk.

Emily said...

this entry was so funny, i read it and laughed and laughed. then i finished reading my other blogs, but it was so funny i had to come BACK and re-read it. oh my gosh.

i'm no expert, but if my hair had been cut like that (and i do see the mullet-resemblance, i won't lie), i'd go to someone else and have them cut the longest layer shorter, and thin out the top layers.

wow. this is awesome. maybe mullets are coming back?

Anonymous said...

It really does not suit you at all.
I would find another hair stylist and get a more updated look.
They will have to take alot of the bottom but you need something that will blend in more. Maybe some chunky highlts might help.
I would have been mad too!!!

superblondgirl said...

I hope you didn't pay for it after she was that awful to you. Honestly, it doesn't look that bad, but since I once had a haircut that made me look like Peter Pan, you might not trust my judgment. That's okay, I don't trust it much either.

Laural Dawn said...

I'm killing myself laughing. Not about your hair - it's not that bad. Just it's so funny. You poor thing. At least you still have some length. Really ... just keep wearing the ponytails and no one will notice you're growing out a mullet. (I'm kidding of course)

Y said...

No one is going to notice your Mullet when you're standing next to my enormous body. Just trust me. THEY WILL NOT NOTICE.

HAHA. I can't wait to watch us walk through the airports.

Mrs. Ca said...

I have so been there with the stylist doing not even close to what you asked for. That sucks big time. I once asked for a layered bob. I even had a picture. I ended up with two layers, the top layer was the length I wanted and it curled under. The bottom layer was about 1 1/2 inches longer and curled out. It was all too short to put into a ponytail, and I practically refused to leave the house for a couple of weeks until it grew out a little and I could get it fixed.

Maybe you can find a great stylist in Chicago before your panel. I know there's some awesome salons there.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how far the OC is from Santa Monica, but there's a woman, Jordana, at Byu-ti Hair Therapy who's vidal sasson certified and would probably give you a major discount on top of it if you talk about her on your blog. She could probably even fix the mullet.

Tina said...

Lena - With your mullet and my big hair, we can stage an 80s comeback. That is, once you return from driving your white camper to all the races. The NASCAR season will be over soon, you know...

The hair looks fine. Honest.

blog Portland said...

Shut up, you still look great, mulet notwithstanding. It had to be said. Again.

DianaCLT said...

Okay - so - I have to post a 2nd comment to this older blog, because I am now in the same BAD HAIR BOAT with you!
WTF?!? I've been going to the same hairdresser for SIXTEEN YEARS! She has become more than a hairdresser. She has become my friend and confidante...
So - how could she do this to me?!? And I have shorter hair, so there aren't a lot of options available to me to fix it without being drastic!!! Arrrgh!
I had thicker and longer hair than ever - post-preggy hair. Something new to my normally fine-haired head.
Granted, it was getting scary looking. But I asked for a few layers to fix that - so it wouldn't just hang there.
Now?!?...my hair feels like she deliberately made it fine again. And it just hangs there - even with layers - and I wanted the layers to help it do more than just hang there.
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!

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Anonymous said...

I loved your post. Have no idea what it's like to have hair like you - mine is flat (looks like I put weights on it to make it flatter) but wow, it made me laugh! Thank you for that.

Ashley said...

my whole life has been a run in with bad hair options.

My hair stylist in high school was my best friends. Lets just say I looked like a boy. Grad my hairdresser grandma curled my hair and but aproximatly 40 bobby pins behind each hair.

College there was the tragic bleaching accident (still short short short) it was the color of butter.

Now when I go into the hairdresser I say I want something new. I am so bored. So they give me the same haircut but shorter (ugh)

I finally have a good hair cut, it only took 20 years

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