You Must Be Joking

I would welcome this as an entertaining plot twist were this not my life.

One couple came through the house last week. One.

For the first time in literally a full year everything came together in our neighborhood last weekend. Almost every lawn was mowed and green. Spring disguised weeds into "wildflowers". The sky was a crisp blue adorned with big fluffy white clouds. People were actually out pushing jogging strollers and walking dogs. Walking dogs! Expensive SUV's were driving around. It was splendiful!

Do you think anyone came? At all? Even one?


Would you like to know when that one couple came? Three days later. In a driving rain. With gray skies. Which I would have been able to handle on its own were it not for...

the crazy man...

strolling down the sidewalk...

in the pouring rain...

without an umbrella...

or jacket.


And also glaring! As if strolling is not enough!


As Chris and I jumped in the car we saw him coming. 'Oh God, please don't let them pull up right now'.

But, of course they did. And Chris let out a small cry like a wounded bird. A wounded bird with a very large m*rtgage.

And as we slowly drove away we watched the nice lady get out of her car and come face to face with the crazy on the sidewalk. She gave him a weak smile and he stared her down.

A crazy man stared her down! I could not have orchestrated it better myself!

Needless to say, we have not heard from them since.

Over the last three years we have occasionally seen some characters:
  • a 300 pound latina woman walking down the center of the street in her sweats with one leg pulled up above a knee and the most giant red bow I have ever seen in her hair
  • the old man with a shaved head and vacant eyes who shuffles around the neighborhood with his pants unzipped
  • a young guy dressed all in black dragging a large garbage bag behind him down the sidewalk
While these weirdos are outweighed by the mostly normal people in our neighborhood, we had a suspicion that something was not right at the end of the street - the direction they hail from.

And hey, we were right for once!

Our neighbor confirmed for us that there is, in fact, a house for crazy people at the end of the block. A real loony bin! Right here on our street in our flaccid market! Admittedly most convenient given my current mental state.

We weren't sure what to make of this discovery until last night when our realt*r said this:

"Well, let's just hope we sell before it gets really hot. ...That's when the 300 pound lady walks down the middle of the street in her red bikini".

We immediately lowered our price. For a fourth time. Which was rewarded with a jaunty sign.

A sign which I've taken it upon myself to alter in order to convey the truth of the matter:

P.S. Next post is going to be positive, I swear to god, it's going to be about unicorns and kittens. Although, are kittens positive? I have a stain on the new carpet that says otherwise.


Linsey said...

Our house (that is on the market and no one is even looking at) has some, ahem, problem neighbor's too. When we listed it before, we had a "halfway house for troubled teenage girls" a house full of Gypsies across the street and a guy growing weed next door.
We took it off the market. This time when we listed the halfway house is gone, but the weed and the teenagers he sells to are still there. And the Gypsies, oh they are gone, and their gypsy cousins have moved in in their place. Yay!!!

Lena said...

Feeling your pain!

Is it the cabinets you think? ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I hate to be miss priss...but it will sell...

Can't wait for the unicorn post.

jenfromboston said...'s just....yeah, I have no words.

If I were't 3,000 mile away I'd be showing up with a bottle of something to help ease the pain.

P.S. If the Red Sox can win the World Series, I have to believe anything can happen. It will sell.

P.P.S "I think it's raindrops on rose and whickers on kittens...these are my favorite things". So according to Mrs. Maria Von Trapp, Kittens are in fact positive.

Amy said...

unfortunately i can not think of anything witty or exciting that could make you laugh...i'll keep trying :)

Butrfly4404 said...

A little salt for your wound? When I was buying, I wouldn't even consider houses with those signs because I thought something was wrong with them if they were reducing the price. Of course, I bought mine BEFORE the 'bust,' when it was more of a seller's market, so that probably held true more. Anyway, just a thought.

Once you get to know your neighbors, you realize most of them are crazy. It doesn't really matter where you live. I wish your 'buyers' knew that...maybe a sign?

Virenda said...

I think you should just leave the sign the way it is. "Reduced Pride" should really bring them in.

Sorry Lena. Things will look up sunshine. Maybe the crazy latina and the scary guy will get married and need to buy a house....

mamatulip said...

Only you can be going through this special kind of personal hell and make me laugh about it really really hard.

I mean, girl, I feel for you. You KNOW I do. But you are so goddamn funny.

~T (that's me) said...

Our market is slow as well. Our Realtor pulled our MLS listing after 90 days because we had NO showings after 60, and inputed a new one. Evidently buyers question why a house has been listed so long, who knew? Tons of people came through and it sold after that.

Terri said...

I second Mamatulip!

Frustrating? Yes. Hilarious? YES!

Jenny said...

I'm sorry, but your "Reduced Pride" thing is funny - and I know I shouldn't be laughing. Really. I know that.

If I could reach through the computer and give you a hug, I would.

Stefanie said...

Reduced Pride?


Bobealia... said...


traceymmm said...

hi Lena, I'm unlurking because I sense your pain! you seem to be in tortuous limbo right now...hang in there! the upside is if the market is tanking for your house, then the new one you will buy will be less expensive too! hold on Lena!

Brillig said...

Ooh, you poor thing. I'm so sorry. I'll make you a deal. You sneak into my neighborhood and torch my house, I'll do the same for you. Then we'll both just collect the insurance money and run. Deal?

Chris said...

Great Post! Please link me at

Heather B. said...

How about you write a post about puppies, rainbows and margaritas? That might help.

I'd tell you that it will sell, but I know nothing of these things. Though from what I can imagine, it will.

And if another Kate Spade sample sale comes rolling through, I'll let you know about that one as well.

Laural said...

okay. we had to sell our condo (and dropped our price as well). We had a couple scheduled to come in - and someone on the second floor had a flood - the entire lobby was flooded and the ceiling was falling.
It was not pretty.
Mind you the guy who did buy had a fire alarm going off while he was looking - and had to walk down all 12 flights of stairs.
We had no loonies on our street - but we did live next to a cult church.
Needless to say we sold low!!
Anyway, just saying I've been there, but it will sell.

Her Bad Mother said...

Am sending lots and lots of unicorn kitten kissy wishes and anti-crazy people dreams. And the best real estate vibes that I can summon.

Does that help? Just a teeny little bit?

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