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5.21.2007

Let's Title This One "House Post #173,949,287,050"

I was just looking at the option in Blogger for "change language" and I think I'm going to change this entire website to German. Just until the house sells. Then you'd no longer need to subject yourselves to the craptacular wonder that is my life.

Frikon this scheisse!

Oops! There I go again, being negative. I already forgot my new goal: to be ridiculously, unreasonably, psychotropic-ally positive.

For instance, on Friday when we found out we had another offer on the way while we were still negotiating Thursday's offer, I dressed completely in pink. And wore ponytails.

And then? When both offers fell through on Saturday? No problem. I made cookies in the shape of Ghandi.

Even the giant inexplicable stains that appeared on the front carpet couldn't bring me down. I just raced out and bought Precious Moments figurines.

And when we had two showings yesterday and absolutely no feedback, I stenciled hearts up and down my arm ...with a knife.

Mainly what we've surmised from this market is that our area is at record-breaking lows, that there are over 400 homes in our price range (about 100 houses for every buyer! Neat!), and that the slightest negative aspect will turn away an offer.

Bearing this in mind, for our last Open House, I was so meticulous that I ended up sacrificing my olive oil brush for a last-minute touch up of the cabinet paint. And yet, our realt*r still overheard a husband whisper to his wife "The cabinets are painted".

I so wish I were there, so that I could've stepped up and said :"Well, look at Mr. Obvious here! Damn right they're painted! It only took four months, three hundred dollars, and a torn tendon. AND? What of it?".

Then I would have flashed my Home Improvers gang sign.

I hate buyers. Hate them. It's like an abusive relationship. I hate how they're treating me. But, I want them to call.

I think I'm going to stage our next showing. I'm not messing around anymore.

I'm renting animals and people.

At the exact moment the buyers look at our backyard a doe will gallop across our grass with her fawn.

And then two bluebirds will carry a tiny blanket in their beaks before gently laying it on a sleeping bunny.

I'm also going to rent different neighbors.

So, when the buyers walk out the front door, a family of six rides by on bikes at that exact moment and waves. Before stopping to deliver a fresh pie.

And then an ice cream man (that doesn't look like a serial killer driving a modified panelled van) will pull up and 50 clean, well-mannered children will scamper over clutching their allowance money while their parents watch from their porch rocking chairs.

That's all I'm missing. That and a positive attitude.

Now. Does anyone know how angry a caged deer is likely to get?

132 comments:

Butrfly4404 said...

Yet again, my mediocrity comes in so handy. It may be boring to never be excited, but I'm never disappointed.

Hey, do you remember that Saved By the Bell where they do the subliminal messages? Maybe you could have, like, a little Lite Jazz playing with "YOU MUST BUY THIS HOUSE" under it? And wine.

janet said...

I am delurking to tell you I think you are the funniest blogger EVER and can we pretty please be friends? I would buy your house if I had a husband with a job and/or more than $2,000 to my name.

Bobealia... said...

Shit. I'm starting to get disappointed and I don't even live in real life with you. Wait, did that make sense? You have confused me because I loved the line about cutting hearts into your arm so much that I can't think. Does that make me ill? What?
Ok, just know that even though I'm losing my mind, that maybe you should resort to THE SECRET. Don't tell anyone I told you though, 'cause it's like kinda crazy and shit.

verybadcat said...

My parents put their house on the market a year and a half ago. They are in the southeast, but a very similar market to the one you describe. It's tough out there.

I suggested that they hold an essay contest- charge $100 for entrance into the contest, and take 2000 essays. Then pick one. If they would have done that last year, they would be buying in their new market right now. But no, they said something about legal issues and silliness. Well.

Sorry about your house. Love your blog.

Casmee said...

That was too funny.
I like the part about the ice cream truck vendor that does not look like a serial killer. The ice cream truck drove by our house last night and hubs (and three of our neighbors) dashed after the girls and their little friends like crazed persons and stood there glowering because the ice cream truck guy really did not look like he should be selling ice cream!

Marcia said...

What, exactly, are cookies in the shape of Ghandi like?

lisagail524 said...

I am scared. Very scared. We are about to put our house on the market and after hearing everything from you and MelissaS - I think I need to channel some of your zen. Positive thoughts!

lizinsumner said...

I thought I'd forgotten all of the German that I learned in highschool - but surprise!! I could actually translate that! Word of (helpful???!!) advise - wherever your house is now, pick it up and move it to the greater Seattle area - the market has gotten a little slower (i.e., might take more than 2 weeks to sell) but everything is still RIDICULOUSLY.OVER.PRICED!!!! So, even though you might have to wait a bit, you'll still get a hugely, overly-inflated profit from it. (Can you tell that I sold my house 3 years ago and now don't want to buy back "in" here because of the prices?? No?? Then I must be slipping!!).....seriously tho, I'm sure your luck will change soon - houses are like people - no matter how dorky or weird one might be, there is always someone for every one!

Kristie said...

Well, this might be blatantly obvious, but since you're looking to sell, and Y's looking to buy ... (you two *do* know one another, right?) .........

just seemed like an easy, happy solution for everyone.

Then again, I'm sort of a simpleton. :)

Y said...

Oh no you DI'INT bust out the German.

DER WIENER SCHNITZEL!

Lena said...

Our ice cream man literally looks like a convict, glares at the children, and drives a converted van with TINTED windows.

Treats for sale, indeed.

kris said...

mothereffers. motherfreakingeffers. i wonder what it is that people are looking for. maybe you can use that principle of "seven cute puppies and one ugly one." you know, then people always want the ugly one because they feel badly for it? maybe it isn't the same with houses. i'll stop writing now.

Carrie said...

I have to tell you that I am so sorry to hear that this market has you in its clutches.

I do think you are hilarious though! I think I speak for everybody when I say that we will throw a party when you get an offer Lena!

Karly said...

Drawing hearts with a knife? HA! That just cracked me up.

Jenny said...

"Now. Does anyone know how angry a caged deer can get?"

Answer: About as angry as a family who can't sell their house.

You have my empathy - none of this is deserved.

Nic said...

Oh MAN Lena. I'm so sorry this just rots. Invite everyone in the neighborhood to the closest park for a barbecue. The prospective buyers will drive buy and think it is quaint from afar, then they'll see the house, love it and buy. Have brownies baking all of the time, and offer them to the buyers. Slipping something in there is optional...

health watch center said...

Hi Lena,

New here just wanna say hi...well I typed a long comment but I don't know where it gone so I am going to keep this short because I don't a couple of comments from me..

Parenting

Nic said...

Lena, I just checked back to see if there were any new comments and whilst doing so reread my comment and OMG I'm not normally that stupid. Also, take Janet up on being friends she is very cool.

Stefanie said...

Have you thought of showing your house topless? Do you want to sell or not?

Serenity Now! said...

I'm thinking that as far as metaphors go... you are the angry caged deer.

jen from boston said...

dude, frustration brings out your funny, that is fo' sho'.

like stephanie's topless/"do you want the house to sell or not?" suggestion. couldn't *hurt*. right?

Lena said...

Stef and Jen - And I thought you knew me. AS IF I'm not always topless.

Suburban Turmoil said...

Ooh, renting neighbors for an open house- Now that's a great idea! I'm sure you've tried the old apple pie in the oven... Now that's a house seller!

Stacey063 said...

Good luck, selling your home should actually be listed as number one on the list of stressors that will kill you. You know, like divorce, losing a job, etc. It is much, much more stressing that just about anything!

blog Portland said...

Two tips for you:

1. Install stripper pole in guest bedroom.

2. Make sure rented family of six is riding a tandem bicycle.

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