*Scroll to the bottom of this post if you're here to read about The Party That Never Was.
I think I just found my new screen name! DCL in the his-ouse!
Let's wrap this little game up, shall we?
# 10 - I once was a Christian missionary in Utah and was chased by a rifle-toting polygamist.
When I was 16, a group of us Christian teens were dispatched to Provo, Utah to preach. While there we encountered the most pleasant Mormons I've ever met and also some whackjobs. Within the territories we were given to preach there were addresses of homes to stay away from because "that's where the polygamists live". And they were apparently an angry bunch as evidenced by the tall scrawny bearded man who came out onto his porch...with a RIFLE. And watched every move we made. As we got nearer, he gruffly yelled something and rushed into his yard menacingly. And we screamed and ran.
Because, you know, we were 16. And it was bad enough that this man was having all that fornication, but now he was going to done kill us.
#11 - I once got into a drunken political argument with Adam Duritz at The House of Blues in L.A. and then accused him of having an affair with Monica Potter.
Oh, how I wish this one wasn't true.
When I was 21, my girlfriend and I flew to L.A. to see Counting Crows perform. My friend is a gorgeous model-type and we were a little groupie-ish. So, by the time the concert was over we had scored backstage passes to the after party upstairs.
This is the part where I'd really like to say that I had a couple drinks, flirted coquettishly with Adam Duritz and then left him with my number. Or my smile. Or something other than the impression that he should call security.
I'd really like to say that the night didn't involve me inhaling the free liquor at an alarming rate, arguing vehemently about abortion with both Adam Duritz and Barbara Boxer's daughter, Nicole, and then falling down the back stairs.
I would. I really would. But, alas, my liver betrays me with her poor filtering capabilities.
I also accused Adam of secretly being in love with Monica Potter, who was then newly married. Being the Macgyver I am, the whole "Mrs. Potter's Lullaby" thing tipped me off. And, uh, yeah. They dated a few years later. So, hello super perception skillz!
Okay, I saved the best for last because this is SO BAD, it's GOOD!
#12 - I once threw a party and no one came.
Haven't you ever wondered whether this really happens to people? Well, I'm here to tell you: it does!
Okay, here's how it went down. My friend's sister - we'll call her Sad - was getting married. She'd already had one bridal shower and my friend - we'll call her Nice - asked if I would be willing to host a second one for her. And here's the kicker, it was going to be a surprise.
So, the weekend of the party my friend takes her sister (the bride-to-be) out for coffee. The idea was, my other friend - we'll call her Helpful - and I would quickly decorate my apartment, put the food out, be there to welcome the guests, etc. Then when everyone arrived we would call my friend Nice to let her know she could bring her sister Sad back to my place where we would all presumably be waiting to yell "surprise!".
Fun would be had by all.
Well, 7:00 came and went.
Then 7:30 came and went.
My friend Nice kept calling us furiously from the Starbucks bathroom asking if everyone was there yet.
"No one is here!" I cried.
"Well, did you call people? Was the date wrong on the invite?!" Nice exclaimed.
"It must've been! Helpful is calling everyone right now. I'll call you back".
But, the date was right. And no one was answering their phone.
In the meantime, Sad was tired of coffee and really wanted to go so she could eat dinner. And Nice kept stalling.
Finally, 8:00 came and went. Then there was a knock on the door.
And this one poor lone guest stood there with her beautifully wrapped gift. We'll call her Mortified. She peered in the apartment from the porch. Where is everybody, she asked. We ushered her in, hoping this was a good sign.
By 8:45 we knew no one else was coming. Mortified sat there on one of the 30 or so folding chairs we had set out with her gift on her lap. And I'll tell you what, I've never seen a more pitiful sight. She was, well, mortified. Finally, she just left her gift and hightailed it out of there before Sad got home.
Ultimately, Sad insisted on going home and Nice was forced to tell her what happened. I can only imagine: "We threw a party for you, but no one came. We'll see you at the wedding!".
This experience traumatized me. Seriously. Years later, I would be the first bride in history to have invitees calling me irritated to RSVP because they had received my invitation in the mail, a phone call from my mother, and two emails from me all in the same day asking ARE YOU COMING OR WHAT??.
So, that about covers it. Everything you never wanted to know about me. Now we can get back to our regularly scheduled programming about cheese and Tivo and my cats.