Drunken, Christian, Loser

*Scroll to the bottom of this post if you're here to read about The Party That Never Was.

I think I just found my new screen name! DCL in the his-ouse!

Let's wrap this little game up, shall we?

# 10 - I once was a Christian missionary in Utah and was chased by a rifle-toting polygamist.

When I was 16, a group of us Christian teens were dispatched to Provo, Utah to preach. While there we encountered the most pleasant Mormons I've ever met and also some whackjobs. Within the territories we were given to preach there were addresses of homes to stay away from because "that's where the polygamists live". And they were apparently an angry bunch as evidenced by the tall scrawny bearded man who came out onto his porch...with a RIFLE. And watched every move we made. As we got nearer, he gruffly yelled something and rushed into his yard menacingly. And we screamed and ran.

Because, you know, we were 16. And it was bad enough that this man was having all that fornication, but now he was going to done kill us.

#11 - I once got into a drunken political argument with Adam Duritz at The House of Blues in L.A. and then accused him of having an affair with Monica Potter.

Oh, how I wish this one wasn't true.

When I was 21, my girlfriend and I flew to L.A. to see Counting Crows perform. My friend is a gorgeous model-type and we were a little groupie-ish. So, by the time the concert was over we had scored backstage passes to the after party upstairs.

This is the part where I'd really like to say that I had a couple drinks, flirted coquettishly with Adam Duritz and then left him with my number. Or my smile. Or something other than the impression that he should call security.

I'd really like to say that the night didn't involve me inhaling the free liquor at an alarming rate, arguing vehemently about abortion with both Adam Duritz and Barbara Boxer's daughter, Nicole, and then falling down the back stairs.

I would. I really would. But, alas, my liver betrays me with her poor filtering capabilities.

I also accused Adam of secretly being in love with Monica Potter, who was then newly married. Being the Macgyver I am, the whole "Mrs. Potter's Lullaby" thing tipped me off. And, uh, yeah. They dated a few years later. So, hello super perception skillz!

Okay, I saved the best for last because this is SO BAD, it's GOOD!

#12 - I once threw a party and no one came.

Haven't you ever wondered whether this really happens to people? Well, I'm here to tell you: it does!

Okay, here's how it went down. My friend's sister - we'll call her Sad - was getting married. She'd already had one bridal shower and my friend - we'll call her Nice - asked if I would be willing to host a second one for her. And here's the kicker, it was going to be a surprise.

So, the weekend of the party my friend takes her sister (the bride-to-be) out for coffee. The idea was, my other friend - we'll call her Helpful - and I would quickly decorate my apartment, put the food out, be there to welcome the guests, etc. Then when everyone arrived we would call my friend Nice to let her know she could bring her sister Sad back to my place where we would all presumably be waiting to yell "surprise!".

Fun would be had by all.

Well, 7:00 came and went.

Then 7:30 came and went.

My friend Nice kept calling us furiously from the Starbucks bathroom asking if everyone was there yet.

"No one is here!" I cried.

"Well, did you call people? Was the date wrong on the invite?!" Nice exclaimed.

"It must've been! Helpful is calling everyone right now. I'll call you back".

But, the date was right. And no one was answering their phone.

In the meantime, Sad was tired of coffee and really wanted to go so she could eat dinner. And Nice kept stalling.

Finally, 8:00 came and went. Then there was a knock on the door.

And this one poor lone guest stood there with her beautifully wrapped gift. We'll call her Mortified. She peered in the apartment from the porch. Where is everybody, she asked. We ushered her in, hoping this was a good sign.

It wasn't.

By 8:45 we knew no one else was coming. Mortified sat there on one of the 30 or so folding chairs we had set out with her gift on her lap. And I'll tell you what, I've never seen a more pitiful sight. She was, well, mortified. Finally, she just left her gift and hightailed it out of there before Sad got home.

Ultimately, Sad insisted on going home and Nice was forced to tell her what happened. I can only imagine: "We threw a party for you, but no one came. We'll see you at the wedding!".

This experience traumatized me. Seriously. Years later, I would be the first bride in history to have invitees calling me irritated to RSVP because they had received my invitation in the mail, a phone call from my mother, and two emails from me all in the same day asking ARE YOU COMING OR WHAT??.

So, that about covers it. Everything you never wanted to know about me. Now we can get back to our regularly scheduled programming about cheese and Tivo and my cats.


Butrfly4404 said...

Oh, that's not so bad!! They weren't coming because of her, right? I've had some flops, lemme tell ya, but I will never have the problem of NOBODY showing up - my family comes to EVERYTHING. **Yay!**

Mrs. Chicky said...

I really shouldn't be giggling as much as I am right now. Really. It's shameful.

Jennifer said...

Oh my goodness! That is really sad. This is the exact reason I've never thrown a party...besides a birthday party.
That is one strange story about the polygamist rifle man!

Nancy said...

I was thinking maybe the party where no one showed up was like an imprompto cocktail party or something. But a bridal shower? Yikes.

(though you know that's not a reflection on you so much as poor Sad...)

Marcia said...

At least, even though it was a party thrown by you, it wasn't a party FOR you, and you tell yourself that everyone loves you still. Because they do.

And. I would totally have gotten into a fight with Adam Duritz over a similar subject...

Kristin said...

laughing too hard... will comment later.

Kirsten said...

I feel very sad for Sad! Poor sad was mad! hahaha

GoPackGo said...

LOL I'm still trying to imagine the look on the lone guest's face......

Finding My New Normal said...

I keep imagining sad as Strong Sad from Homestar Runner...or Eyore from Winnie the Pooh

Frema said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frema said...

Oh my gosh, until you mentioned the Counting Crows, this whole time I've been picturing Adam Durwitz as that one dude who used to interview that hottie gray-haired sex doctor on MTV. What the hell was his name?

Mrs. M said...!

Kateastrophe said...

Originating from Provo, Utah I can just see some of my neighbors watching you with beady eyes and guns . . . oh gosh that's funny!

MamaKaren said...

I once had a party and no one came. It was a pseudo-housewarming party (same apartment I'd lived in for a year, but now I lived alone and was celebrating my psycho roommate having moved out). Nobody at all showed up. Just me. All alone.

I did another party about six months later, though, and it turned out OK. I still get really nervous about throwing parties.

Sarah said...

Is it wrong that I'm laughing right now? Because I am!

Did you ever find out why no one came? Did they come to Sad's wedding??

sarah said...

Is it wrong that I'm laughing right now? Because I am!

Did you ever find out why no one came? Did they come to Sad's wedding??

Amy Linder said...

My friend and I co-hosted a Holiday party this past December. It was at her house. Besides from us and our Hubbies, there were about 5 other couples invited - and confirmed.

2 cancelled cuz of sick kid

1 cancelled cuz of injured kid

1 didn't show up at all

And the other couple finally showed up, about 2 hours late.

I feel your pain.

Amy :)

Kateastrophe said...

Oh and I was the bride with 35 people invited to her bridal shower . . . and only the people throwing it showed up :(

Jody said...

My best friend in high school threw a surprise party for my 18th birthday.. the guise what that I need to drive her younger sister to the mall to get something she needed for Prom and when we got home.. surprise.. well, her younger sister apparently forgot that there was a surprise party going on and didn't bother to find a way to get us home "on time".. when we got home.. everyone had left. And I think.. if I remember correctly no one showed up to my 10th birthday party (my birthday is early June so it always conflicted with end of school/beginning of summer vacation). I get weird around my birthday every year.. I wonder why??

tAnYeTTa said...

OMG why am i laughing soooooo hard! sad, nice, helpful and mortified. LOL

please!! tell usyou made this up. :)

tAnYeTTa said...

i cannot stop laughing. i had to read it again and again. ok i'm done. this is soooo funny and ohhh so sad.

sad, helpful, nice and mortified. what classic names! LOL

Byron said...


Are you still friends with Sad?

Liz said...

I think people didn't show up at the shower was because they didn't want to buy 2 bridal shower gifts and another one for the wedding.

Lena said...

In answer to your questions:

1. I wasn't really Sad's friend to begin with and I'm still not. I am still friends with Helpful and Nice though!

2. Everyone had a different excuse, but apparently the shower was the same night as another party (obviously a loser one since I wasn't invited).

3. Her wedding was pretty well-attended. My boyfriend broke up with me at her reception though, which was awesome.

And LIZ is right! I too think that's why no one attended. It's also why I had ONE fantastical shower myself.

dianeinjapan said...

Hey, so the proselytizing in Utah scenario would fit super-nicely into a marriage of the show "Big Love" and the book "Born Again"and--something else--to make it polygamous and all.

Loralee Choate said...

Being a "Sorta, sometimes, raised as" Mormon AND having worked on the LAMEST MOVIE EVER MADE with Monica Potter and her giving me boxes of maternity clothing, I had to stop by and say this post made me LAUGH.

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