Because I'm Mean And Crampy

This is the funny thing.

I think of posts all day that will be funny. All day! I do! I'm driving down the street or pushing the grocery cart and I'm chuckling to myself and muttering "heh, that's good" and scribbling things on the backs of receipts and fast food bags (I am very high-tech. And?).

Then? I sit down at the computer and do you know what happens? The goddamn phone rings. And it's a realt*r telling me that they're on their way over and of course they are because I JUST sat down with an onion bagel and an iced coffee (you wouldn't like my breath when I'm creative) and a fantastical post that will shock and amaze you, the content of which is comprised of two McDonalds receipts and an electric bill envelope.

But, alas, I must run around retrieving underwear from the floor and hiding dirty dishes in the oven.

And if you think you're sick and tired of hearing about my house that's not selling, imagine how I feel! Just take yourself and add a very angry brow and then an incredibly clean house. And also an uneaten bagel. Voila! You're me.

I've been looking forward to today all weekend because Savannah is in preschool today and Mamapop and Clubmom are taken care of (am not mommyblogger! am not! prove it! ...oh, that.). So, the day was filled with possibility. And one of those possibilities? Was for my punkass uterus to decide TODAY is the day she would like to shed her lining, thank you very much.

Her timing is impeccable. I think she's just bitter that this is all she gets to do anymore.

All this to say, I have cramps. And also I was mean to the drive-thru girl at Starbucks.

I only go to this particular drive-thru Starbucks on Mondays and Thursdays because it's next to Savannah's preschool. The Starbucks people by my house know me so well that they know what to charge me for my drink. And when Chris goes in to get my coffees, they write messages to me on the cup. It's no secret, I have a problem - we've all seen my bank statements.

Anyway, at the drive-thru Starbucks they're less personable. You would think, though, that they see me enough and discuss my drink enough that they would remember me. And remember my drink. And remember that they're asshats. Perky asshats.

See, my drink is a grande iced latte with 1/2 a pump of mocha syrup. I know, I know. It seems really anal. But, I swear, it's the perfect burnt marhsmallow-y mixture! Well, since there's normally 4 pumps of mocha syrup added to a latte to make it a mocha, it's 30 cents extra. But, since I'm only getting HALF A PUMP I shouldn't have to pay the full 30 cents. (Again, I know. Anal right? But, I drink these every day. That's like...a lot of math.)

Anyway, whenever I order at this drive-thru I always order it as a "latte" and they always read it back to me as a "mocha". In this really perky, upbeat, daring-you-to-be-mean-to-them way.

So, I say to the perky drive-thru order-taker "That's a latte".
Perky: "Oh, you want a latte?"

Me: "Yes. But, with half a pump of mocha syrup."

Perky: "That's a mocha."

I decide to play along.

Me: "Oooh, I thought a mocha had to have two or more pumps."

Perky: "Ooooh, no. I'm sorry. Did you still want the mocha?"

Me: "Ummm, yeah."

I'll take this up at The Window. I pull up.

Perky: "That'll be $3.50 puh-leeeease!" [GRIN]

Me: "Yeah, see. I think you're supposed to charge me for a latte. You don't need to charge for one pump or less."

Perky: "Oh, no, we have to charge you." [GRIN]

Me: "Well, then, shouldn't it be, like, three and a half cents? For half a pump?"

Perky: "I'm sorry. I don't make the rules!" [weak smile]

Me: "I'm just telling you what corporate told me."

Which isn't true, but I felt like I was losing ground. And you should always argue honestly until you start losing.

Perky: "Okay...well...alright then." [sad face]

I handed her my $3.20, she handed me my latte, and all was well with Lena.

I admit I did feel bad about turning Perky's smile upside down, but how many times do I need to have this conversation? And who else could I take my cramps out on?? (The cats are becoming less and less understanding.)

Most of all, why don't I just start drinking lattes already?


Beth said...

I didn't know you could do half pumps at Starbucks! I'm trying that tomorrow. Together we will take over their stupid rules! :)

BTW, I just found you rblog through clubmom and I love it!


Jennifer said...

I am too scared to order at Starbucks...there's too many options. This half-pump business isn't helping, now I'll really never order anything there!

Feel better soon!

Butrfly4404 said...

jennifer, I'm the same way. I always order something straight off the menu and hate it. Same with Caribou Coffee (does anyone else HAVE those?) the only thing I'll order there is a Chai Tea Latte.

It's good to have a regular place to go. My fave was the gas station by my old house. I'd been going there for years. When I smoked, they'd have my cigarettes and gas rung up when I got to the counter. When I didn't pay for my gas (on accident!) once, they didn't call the cops. Yay for regulars!

Marcia said...

Seriously. I need to get on the half pump train. It sounds fabulous. And. I love burnt marshmallows. I even like the smell of burnt marshmallow markers. Which is really weird, but I'm telling you anyway.

wordgirl said...

See? This is why I don't drink coffee. I suck at negotiating and then I'd end up paying the cashier extra for my inevitable rudeness. Then I'd just be a poor, rude woman with coffee breath.

jenfromboston said...

"that's what corporate told me" - I wonder if that works at say, a Burger King? I'm just going to start bantering that about. Awesome.

my old office building had a place to buy lunch in it, and they had salads and a salad bar and the dressing came in little cups.
The CHARGED you for dressing! Like what? you're gonna eat your salad DRY?? WHAT!? That is when the boycotting began.

Lena said...

jenfromboston - You are SO RIGHT about the dressing thing! I have found my new cause!

Serenity Now! said...

I tried that "corporate" line out on my kid when he wouldn't eat his lunch.

I said you have to eat all your lunch or we can't go to the park. Sorry. That's the rules. That's what corporate told me.

He ate it all.

FadingMommy said...

I used to work at Starbucks and you're mostly right! You shouldn't have to pay for any pump less than one.

So, you weren't technically lying about corporate! Hah!

Marie said...

I know how stressful it is to try to sell a house and write and take care of a family. You're doing a heckuva lot of writing though girl!

I came here from mamapop. :)

Karen said...

My favorite Starbuck's game used to be to go to the drive-thru and order a "Large" anything. It totally confuses them, because the word does not exist in their contrived vocabulary. The conversations would go something like this:

"I'll have a large Caramel Macchiato."

"I'm sorry. What size was that?"

"A large."

"We don't have a large. We have tall, grande and venti."

"Well, I'll take the biggest one."

"So that's a venti Caramel Macchiato?"

"Call it whatever you want, honey. We both know it's a large!"

But then I switched to iced venti sugar-free vanilla lattes and that's such a mouthful that I just don't have the strength for it anymore.

I do still wonder why their shortest drink is called a tall, though.

Andi said...

i think it's sad that you decided to take your cranky mood on the barista. i work at starbucks and believe it or not we don't remember everyone's name and what drink they get all the time. we put up with a lot. and i get treated poorly quite a bit. it gets really discouraging. just something for you to keep in mind.

 photo copyright.jpg
envye template.