I think of posts all day that will be funny. All day! I do! I'm driving down the street or pushing the grocery cart and I'm chuckling to myself and muttering "heh, that's good" and scribbling things on the backs of receipts and fast food bags (I am very high-tech. And?).
Then? I sit down at the computer and do you know what happens? The goddamn phone rings. And it's a realt*r telling me that they're on their way over and of course they are because I JUST sat down with an onion bagel and an iced coffee (you wouldn't like my breath when I'm creative) and a fantastical post that will shock and amaze you, the content of which is comprised of two McDonalds receipts and an electric bill envelope.
But, alas, I must run around retrieving underwear from the floor and hiding dirty dishes in the oven.
And if you think you're sick and tired of hearing about my house that's not selling, imagine how I feel! Just take yourself and add a very angry brow and then an incredibly clean house. And also an uneaten bagel. Voila! You're me.
I've been looking forward to today all weekend because Savannah is in preschool today and Mamapop and Clubmom are taken care of (am not mommyblogger! am not! prove it! ...oh, that.). So, the day was filled with possibility. And one of those possibilities? Was for my punkass uterus to decide TODAY is the day she would like to shed her lining, thank you very much.
Her timing is impeccable. I think she's just bitter that this is all she gets to do anymore.
All this to say, I have cramps. And also I was mean to the drive-thru girl at Starbucks.
I only go to this particular drive-thru Starbucks on Mondays and Thursdays because it's next to Savannah's preschool. The Starbucks people by my house know me so well that they know what to charge me for my drink. And when Chris goes in to get my coffees, they write messages to me on the cup. It's no secret, I have a problem - we've all seen my bank statements.
Anyway, at the drive-thru Starbucks they're less personable. You would think, though, that they see me enough and discuss my drink enough that they would remember me. And remember my drink. And remember that they're asshats. Perky asshats.
See, my drink is a grande iced latte with 1/2 a pump of mocha syrup. I know, I know. It seems really anal. But, I swear, it's the perfect burnt marhsmallow-y mixture! Well, since there's normally 4 pumps of mocha syrup added to a latte to make it a mocha, it's 30 cents extra. But, since I'm only getting HALF A PUMP I shouldn't have to pay the full 30 cents. (Again, I know. Anal right? But, I drink these every day. That's like...a lot of math.)
Anyway, whenever I order at this drive-thru I always order it as a "latte" and they always read it back to me as a "mocha". In this really perky, upbeat, daring-you-to-be-mean-to-them way.
So, I say to the perky drive-thru order-taker "That's a latte".
Perky: "Oh, you want a latte?"
Me: "Yes. But, with half a pump of mocha syrup."
Perky: "That's a mocha."
I decide to play along.
Me: "Oooh, I thought a mocha had to have two or more pumps."
Perky: "Ooooh, no. I'm sorry. Did you still want the mocha?"
Me: "Ummm, yeah."
I'll take this up at The Window. I pull up.
Perky: "That'll be $3.50 puh-leeeease!" [GRIN]Which isn't true, but I felt like I was losing ground. And you should always argue honestly until you start losing.
Me: "Yeah, see. I think you're supposed to charge me for a latte. You don't need to charge for one pump or less."
Perky: "Oh, no, we have to charge you." [GRIN]
Me: "Well, then, shouldn't it be, like, three and a half cents? For half a pump?"
Perky: "I'm sorry. I don't make the rules!" [weak smile]
Me: "I'm just telling you what corporate told me."
Perky: "Okay...well...alright then." [sad face]
I handed her my $3.20, she handed me my latte, and all was well with Lena.
I admit I did feel bad about turning Perky's smile upside down, but how many times do I need to have this conversation? And who else could I take my cramps out on?? (The cats are becoming less and less understanding.)
Most of all, why don't I just start drinking lattes already?