Don't Forget To Tip Your Stripper!

If getting the house ready to sell has taught me anything, it's that I have a lot to be ashamed of.

I know that I'm a nerd. I've always been a nerd. My whole life I've been a nerd in a cool girl's body.

I have this fear that I'll die suddenly and all my friends will be cleaning out my stuff (you know, because Chris will be so grief stricken he'll only be capable of building me a shrine) and then they'll stumble upon the ridiculous things I own. And together they'll try not to laugh because it will feel so inappropriate, but they'll exchange glances and later they'll think to themselves "What a raging geek!".

I'm tired of my fear of exposure keeping me up at night. I'd rather just take it all off here on the internet and get it over with.

Things Which I Own and I Am Not Apologizing For:

Gold Target shoes

I think the word you're looking for is "wow".

Michael Bolton Tee

I wish I could say this was a joke. We were at his concert and all I can say is that there was a lot of drinking and a lot of middle-aged women were screaming and I just got all caught up in the Forever Isn't Long Enough-ing and the When A Man Loves A Woman-ing and it just felt so right.

Ever since, Chris and I have enjoyed playing a regular game of "Where's Bolton?". Sometimes he's waiting for Chris in the morning laid across the toilet, coyly smiling. Some nights I pull back the comforter on my side of the bed and there he is, beckoning me with his eyes. Like he knows.

Metallica Backstage Passes

I was once maybe sort of a groupie. Maybe.

Both Prodigy's Smack My Bitch Up and Backstreet Boys' Millenium.


The fact that these two CD's coexist within the same collection defies some law of nature.

Corn Nuts. Copious amounts.


I existed solely on Corn Nuts when I was single. I can't seem to shake it. You can pry them from my cold, dead hands.

Celine Dion autobiography with keepsakes.


This speaks for itself, don't you think?



Um, I watch this at least once a month. The nerd part comes into play because I really think by watching it, I'm staying cool. Despite the fact that Vince has since turned into a puffy pastry.

Fancy pearly opalescent pumps.


I wore these once. To a luncheon. And my best friend said I looked like I was going on an easter egg hunt. I've never worn them again. But, for some reason cannot throw them away. Perhaps I'm awaiting my role as First Lady?

Super Nintendo


It's not the fact that I own this that makes me a nerd. It's the fact that I refuse to own anything else. Not the Nintendo Wii. Just old skool Super Nintendo and Super Mario Bros thankyouverymuch.

And lastly...

My dirty dirty little secret: I LOVE The People's Court.


I HEART Marilyn Milian. Even the music (da-duh-DUN) makes me salivate like a cat hearing a can opener. The litigants are kind of throwaways as far as I'm concerned. I just want to sit on the bench next to Judge Milian and play with her hair and bask in her quick-wittedness. I could be like her Paul Shaffer. ("You wouldn't believe her if her tongue came notarized? Hahaha! Good one Marilyn! Can I call you Mary?"). Don't you think there's a place for me there?

**Pictures missing despite tremendous effort to find them:

- My "I Heart Dr. Phil" keychain.

- My autographed picture of Antonio Sabato Jr.

It's official. I am now psychologically bare. These closets are ready for someone else's crappy skeletons.


Butrfly4404 said...

: ) That's great!

Before I moved here, I lived in my mom's old house. She kept most of her crap there and I got to live there and pay the cheap ass mortgage payments. When we sold it and cleaned out the attic, we found BOXES of stuff my mom put away when I moved out at 17. I had so much glitter butterly crap I wanted to puke. Neon pink glitter butterfly candles...Butterfly/tribal 'tramp stamp' temp. tattoos...blech.

(This has been my alias for nearly 10 effin

Mrs. Chicky said...

Can I give you a hug and a big, wet, juicy kiss? Please. I love you for The Bolton (sadly, I also went to one of his concerts, but I did not get swept up enough to buy a t-shirt). I love you for the Metallica back stage pass (Oh.My.God.). I love you for Singles (You are so money). And I love you for being gutsy enough to show us those gold shoes. Wow.

Danny said...


I was about to let you slide but a Michael Bolton concert tee is equivalent to a calculator watch or a pocket protector overstuffed with mechanical pencils.

If I was near you right now I'd slap you in the back of the head and give you a bad wedgie. NERD!

Lena said...


Karen said...

Antonio Sabato, Jr...YUM! Remember when he was the hottie, Jagger, on General Hospital? The gold are SO money, baby! :)

mamatulip said...

Now this is the secret to a happy, healthy marriage: The couples who play "Where's Bolton" together stay together.


You lost me at the Dion book, though. She drives me bonkers.

Jennifer said...

You had me at Antonio Sabato Jr.

FUNNY! Thanks for the honesty, we're all a little nerdy, dontcha think?

jen said...

Did a sense of relief come with this post? cuz I imagine it did - like beating your friends to the punch. as they clean out your stuff for your grieving husband? Ghost of you is all, "Go ahead - laugh it up-- but I already told everyone back in feb. '07!"

Okay, the first lady shoes killed me. Seriously, I think my Grandma has the same pair, only in a lower heel. :)Your best friend *is* a true friend.
And Celine Dion book?? words escape me.

Audrey said...

Can I just say I'm jealous of the Super Nintendo? I was *just saying I wanted one the other day. Seriously.
Mario Brothers ol' school style.

<3 another nerd in a cool girl's body. I prefer the term "dork".

jes said...

The bit about the corn-nuts still has me dry heaving.

Bobealia... said...

Funny, I felt like exposing a little bit of myself yesterday too.

Regarding the Easter Egg shoes (yes this is all I will comment on), I recently sold similar shoes on eBay for 50$. Getting money for them might relieve your issues about giving them up. There is something out there for everyone.

Frema said...

So many things to comment on, so little time.

First of all, ain't nothin' wrong with owning Swingers. It just means you're "money" and don't even know it!


Third, I also have Millenium. And their debut album. And six Tori Amos CDs. And the How to Make An American Quilt soundtrack. My musical taste, it is varied and bizarre.

Charli said...

I remember doing a post like this a few months ago and feeling like if I was to look in the mirror upon publishing I would surely find that I had suddenly started to also appear to be a nerd, not just playing the role of one in secret.
SOmehow, the pictures aren't up anymore, but the slippers, the grandma nightgown, the swimsuit cover up, the futon, everything is just nerdy and trashy all at the same time and it is glorious.

Sandra said...

Hey you nerd in a cool girl's body. I bet I could out nerd you any day. Although I don't have a rockin pair of gold shoes like that. Or the Celine book. Or the Michael T. Okay. You wih. You hot nerd you.

Lena said...

Karen - HELL yes. Jagger and Brenda = true love 4-eva.

Mamatulip - I have NO idea what go into me with the Celine thing. I'm a sucker for a sales pitch - she was on Oprah...ten minutes later I was on Amazon. Sucker.

Charli - I had a grandma nightgown pic! I forgot to put it up. Oooooh, it's bad too. I breastfed in it. Access in all the right places.

Audrey - Ebay!

Marmite Breath said...

The Charlie and Lola redeems you for any People's Court transgressions. :)

That show is my favourite and my best.

metalia said...

This? Is just awesome. I can't decide, however, which item is *most* awesome: the Celine Dion autobiography, or the Bolton shirt. Let's call it a tie.

Linsey said...

So then should I confess that I saved my autographed postcard from Punky Brewster? Or my ticket stubs to Billy Idol. Swingers was the coolest movie ever made and I am convinced I stay cool because I watch it all.the.time. I still have posters in a box (not hanging above my bed anymore) of John Stamos, Scott Baio and Ricky Shroeder.

Antique Mommy said...

"First Lady Shoes" - that made me laugh! Really. Those should be sent to the Good Will. There is probably some poor little very old lady who needs shoes. Those shoes.

Aimee said...

Sadly enough, your first lady shoes would probably go for a bundle on ebay. The 80s are back, woman! haha.

My favorite was the CDs and their ability to coexist, defying all odds.

I have a horrible CD collection. If I were artistic I would make them into something beautiful. One set was stolen and I'm sure the guy who took them thought, "Is she bipolar?" and also, "dude, she sucks" before promptly throwing them in the bushes.

barbara said...

oh my god, "where's bolton" makes my whole body laugh. love it.

jageiger said...

I laughed so hard and asked my husband if I should ask you to send me your Nintendo. he kinda smirked, until he realized I was only half kidding. Ah, those were the days:)

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