Confessions Of a Bad Mutha
I often get emails that carry a similar sentiment: You make me feel like a better mom. While I know this is supposed to convey a compliment, it always makes me genuinely laugh. In other words, you’re such a bad mom, that you make me feel better about myself! Thanks!
I know. I know. What they’re really saying is that we’re comrades and they appreciate my honesty and also that I’m very pretty. Or at least they’re thinking it – I can just tell.
So, in honor of my most favorite emailers, I present the following list. Now go forth and feel awesome.
I Confess – The Bad Mom Edition
I know. I know. What they’re really saying is that we’re comrades and they appreciate my honesty and also that I’m very pretty. Or at least they’re thinking it – I can just tell.
So, in honor of my most favorite emailers, I present the following list. Now go forth and feel awesome.
I Confess – The Bad Mom Edition
- I sometimes erase Savannah’s shows on Tivo so that more of mine will fit.
- I have lied and said library story time was cancelled because I made us too late to get a seat.
- I only wash Savannah’s hair every two days. Or maybe three.
- I only remember to clip her nails when I notice in public that they’re grimy.
- I discriminately throw away her art work and hide it under other trash, so she won’t see it.
- I have lied and said we were out of broccoli because I didn’t want to steam it.
- I have sometimes waited so long to go in and give her a “goodnight joke” (I can’t sing) that she falls asleep.
- I have skipped copious pages in books. (“So, then Cinderella’s carriage turned into a pumpkin…Aaand then she married Prince Charming. The end!”)
- I have pretended not to hear her sass me under her breath because I just don’t want to deal with it.
- I have let her watch TV all morning so that I can write.
- I have left her with Chris without saying goodbye because I want to run errands alone.
- I have let her explain the birds and the bees to herself. (“So, the doctor put the baby in you. And then daddy took it out.” “Umm, yeah. Pretty much.”)
Yet despite all that, she still tells me every day that I’m “the best mom ever”. She’s an easy crowd.
What’s your confession? Come on. Let it out, comrade.
posted by Lena at 2/22/2007
43 Comments:
Haha, I love the list.
I skip pages too, when I babysit and the kid doesn't want to go to sleep, but somehow thinks that I'll read him every single book on his shelf.
I'm sorry...but this just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
You've taken many of mine. I'll have to think of something original and get back to you on this...
Except for: I have a 9 year old who I send to check on the 4 year old so I don't have to get up.
Ooh, I like that. Where's my nine-year-old dammit?
Well, you just confessed most of my sins.
Here's one for ya: I confess...sometimes I question whether she deserves a better mother than the one she's stuck with. And I often apologize to her for my girth of shortcomings...
And...I eat all of her cereal and tell her Daddy ate it...
Love this! I did this a while back on my blog. Of course I can't find it. Hmph.
How about this: My mother confessed to me, as I'm driving her around, that she never wanted children and thought that they were "vile".
Do I win a prize or something? I mean my mother confessed that she didn't want children! That's a good one.
lol - no kid confessions here (no kids), but i just had to tell you that i only wash my OWN hair every other day. so i don't think you should feel bad. ;)
I'm officially going to the 7th Cirle of Mother Hell, totally.
*When my children are being especially obnoxious, I tell them in my gravest voice that their behaviour is making the Baby Jesus cry. Yep, hot tears of disappointment.
*I bribe them with food. Eating disorder, anyone?
*If you ask my oldest daughter, she'll tell you that Mickey is on vacation because Disneyland is closed for renovation. Ummm.
For starters, I have done everything on that list... except left Eva with Chris... he told me to stop trying to drop my kid off.
My "Mother Post Secret"?
I make Eva change her own pull-ups (unless it's poops) because it is my small revenge on a child who REFUSES to use the damn potty.
Um, and I want Robyn A. to be my new best friend... Disneyland is closed... GENIUS!
I do all the above AND...I'm secretly excited about my ex-husband (my 8 year old's dad) getting remarried so his new wife can take some of the "fun" mommy pressure off of me. Is that bad?
I fart on my kids when they're being brats.
I occasionally eat my son's "good" baby food (i.e., the fruit), leaving him with the (nasty-ass) veggies. I also abscond with products that I've purchased for him, but somehow end up in my makeup bag. For example:
http://www.amazon.com/Johnsons-Soothing-Naturals-Soothe-Protect/dp/B000H2BN0M
Please don't call Child Services!
Here's my bad mommy confession...
I let the kids eat candy for breakfast, lunch or dinner sometimes because I just don't feel like fighting with them..
These are some spectacular confessions!
I hide my son's favorite stories because I can't bring myself to read them one more time (I think 20 times IN A ROW is enough).
I also hide his noisy toys. That vroom vroom sound on his trucks drives me insane. Sure he cries when he can't find his beloved items, but I just tell him that his trucks went bye bye. Is that so wrong?
Thank you so much, because I REALLY needed something light and funny today!
My confessions...hmm...
* I go beyond a few days for washing hair...in fact, The Man and I once had to figure out when the last time we made the kids shower was...it had been 6 days...almost a WHOLE week without a shower. (I only wash my own hair every few days - don't judge me - my hair is pretty).
* I take all their candy and put it in the "Candy Basket" When they finally get around to getting a piece of candy for a treat, all that's left are dum-dums. (Chocolate has caffeine, anyway!)
I DO have more...but those are REALLY secret.
I was totally sending "She's so pretty" thoughts the last time I emailed you...I'm glad you got 'em! ; )
I've gone and hid in another room so I can eat my piece of chocolate without sharing.
I hide in the bathroom pretending to poop so that no one will bother me for 5 minutes.
We've taken the overload of Christmas presents from Grandma and Grandpa and are saving some of the really cool ones to give to her for her birthday in a few months. From us, of course.
I also hide when I eat things I don't want to share (she doesn't need more sugar, anyways), and I hide the toys that I'm tired of opening for her, then shutting for her. Then opening again, then shutting. Again. How many times can it be cool to see the inside of an empty Easter egg???
My 4 year old daughter has had several thousand dollars worth of dental work. I still bribe her with candy or slushys so she will sit in her stroller and I can shop.
signed,
another bad mutha
I once told my daughter that if she didn't go to sleep I would put her outside to be eaten by the Big Bad Wolf. This is at 1 AM by the way, and it didn't work b/c she was too scared to sleep the rest of the night. Many of my "bad mommy" moments are also "dumb mommy" moments.
I so needed this today!
I tell my kids I'm going to change the batteries in their really LOUD toys, to just leave them, then I hide them back in their toy box. They have so many toys by the time they find them again I can pull it all over and save both my batteries AND my ears!
I've been letting him play games online in the mornings so I can sleep late. I get home from work at 1 a.m., so I have an excuse, but I can't help but feel guilty. And I ignore a lot of crap so I don't have to yell. The other day I told him I was driving off and leaving him behind if he didn't get in the car, which made him burst into tears. And yesterday I let him have pie before lunch.
I'm totally in awe of your beauty, and the fact that you have the energy to play with Savannah most of the time.
I take off baby duty when the big kids come home from school. I love it that the babies wait to poop until the 13 year old gets off school. Well...momma needs a break too!
You're going to think I'm a bitch but I don't find it funny that you don't bathe your daughter for days. And the woman who said weeks...hello that's disgusting! Butrfly your action are walking a CPS line, children deserved to be clean and it's YOUR job to do it.
Letting Savanaha sass you, you don't do anything because you're too tired. You want more kids and you can't handle one little girl. Seriously girl you need to not let her do that. She knows that you do let her get away with it too. For all the times you do deal with her she knows there WILL be times she'll get away with it and so she'll push you. Consistancy is KEY.
I'm not trying to come across all holier than thou, but I just didn't find humor with some of the things on your list, they made me sad.
Carrie, uh. nice try on not coming across holier than thou. Although I have to say you failed pretty miserably.
I for one didn't look at this list as a PARENTAL GUIDE, and it would probably be a good suggestion to you to not do that either. If you read the list again, you will see that Lena didn't say she didn't bathe her daughter daily, instead, that she didn't wash her hair daily. I think that's pretty common - I know a lot of ADULT women that do it, so they can have 'second-day hair' manageability. And personally, we wash our daughter's hair every other day - BY CHOICE (gasp!).
I come to this blog (and all her other ones) to hope and pray that Lena's put a fun spin on things that normally seem so mundane and frustrating. The things on this list are not every day occurrences, but more along the SHIT HAPPENS once in a while.
You are a bit uptight, maybe you need to stop and sit back and relax, before getting so serious that you can't see the humor in the story. If you are a steady reader of Lena's, you should know that this list is a compilation of what happens on the rougher days - it's NOT an every day thing.
And maybe you think I'm being a bit holier than thou now. Well, maybe I am. But you know, I was having a great time, reading what other moms were writing about their confessions of their off days, and then * POOF * GONE. I got to your post.
Lisa's my new best friend!
Carrie - I'm going to ignore you because I just don't feel like dealing with it. (See how handy that is?)
Also, how can I want MORE readers when I can't even handle ONE little reader like you?
and I am sitting her wondering who would think not showering their kids for a week is CPS style abuse. Maybe its just me but from what I see on the street and on the news, I would think they might be a little more concerned with oh ABUSE, not whether or not someones bathing habits live up to Carries expectations. I really had to laugh at that because I know my doctor recommends not bathing your kids every day in the winter, dry skin being more of a problem than filth. But either way I think the biggest problem is this JUDGEMENTAL and SELF RIGHTEOUS I am a better mom than you attitude that some women have. Trust me Carrie I guarantee that not all of your mothering skills live up to everyones expectations, and while you are tearing someone else down to make yourself look better, there is someone out there waiting to do the same to you. What goes around....and all that...I bet you know how it goes...
BY THE WAY: I said "wash her hair". She gets a shower every day. Mostly.
Now, go in peace.
Not that she even warrants a response, but I feel like Carrie is saying these things as a cry for the attention that she is sorely lacking in her personal life, making it necessary to come to a blog and make sanctimonious comments about others parenting skillz.
First of all, if you think that scrapes the line of CPS intervention, you are so sorely misinformed that I almost feel sorry for you. As an officer of the Orange County Juvenile Court who works in the child welfare system, I can tell you with complete certaintly that that would not make even a blip on the radar of the CPS screen. They save their attentions for actual abuse like beatings, molestation, and emotional neglect. Good try, though!
Second of all, Hooked on Phonics might work for you! Lena never said she didn't bathe S for days on end...she said that she might skip a day or two between hair washings. And the other mother said 6 days...that's not weeks. Seriously, exaggerated claims go far to discredit your maniacal and self-righteous diatribes. *hands you a dictionary, just in case*
Thirdly, you failed miserably in your hopes not to come across as a total and complete holier than thou BITCH.
Take a quick lesson from me: Take ownership of your bitchiness. Hell, make it your defining characteristic. Life will be much easier for you if you own up to your true nature.
Oh, and my children had blueberry muffins and ice cream for dinner last night. The number for the OC Social Services is 714-940-1000. If you read my blog, you're gonna wanna put that on speed dial.
Take care, Sunshine!!! :) And by that, I really mean:
Get off Lena's case. Who are you to come to someone else's blog and spout yout self-important crap? There's a bridge and a billy goat somewhere that's waiting for you. You'll be missed. :)
Lena, I LOVE your blog! I read it all the time and laugh at your stories. As a social worker in child welfare, not bathing your child for 6 days or "taking some days off" from washing hair would be LAUGHED AT if you called that in. People would begin to wonder about YOU for even thinking that. Wow. And you know what, I would ignore some of the sassy comments because I wouldn't want to deal with them either. I think that every parent can agree with something on that list!
This post has been removed by the author.
Sorry, that didn't work. I tried to leave a link. Here's my list.
1) I bribe my kids with dessert to get them to eat their dinner.
2) I serve Kraft mac-and-chemical several times a week. It's my daughter's favorite. I also let them have gum almost every day.
3) Last year I kept my son out of school several times so we could do something fun I wanted to do.
4) My kids hear me cuss way too often. I tell them not to say those "naughty words", and so far they don't. I really have been trying to do better with that. Sheesh!
5) I don't let my kids paint because the mess sends me to the looney bin. That's what I pay preschool for!
Okay...I said ALMOST ONE WEEK...ONCE...holy shit, if they'd stunk or something, I think I'd of realized it a little bit quicker. I happen to work full time and see my kids a total of two and a half hours a day. Sometimes making them take a shower is not the first thing I think about. But again...if they like smelled bad or looked dirty or something, it would click.
I have a sign that hangs above my stove that says "My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy." Apply that to the rest of life, I guess. Because I'd rather spend some of our time talking to my kids than making them shower daily.
I should get one that says "Judge me silently because I'm kind of a bitch."
Okay fine I'll say it.
Carrie is just a bitch and not even a good one because she couldn't even leave a email link. Being anonymous is so easy, isn't it?
I know this one is common (right?) but I have totally given my girls left over pizza for breakfast. Most of the time it's because I am to tired to get up, and make them something. (weekends are for sleeping IN!)
I personally know Savannah and she's a very clean little girl with great hair.
As for the bathing thing...well my oldest daughter has eczema and she can't take a bath every day.
Great post. Lena, I really enjoy your entries. It is so refreshing to read what I think about everyday, but am too afraid to write about.
When I am in a hurry on school days, I will sometimes give my daughter a snack pack of pringles for breakfast.
When I need a break, I have been known to send her to the store with my husband in the most ridiculous dress up clothes and play makeup.
I, too, ignore her at times when she sasses me. Usually when I have a migraine, though.
I call her Booger in front of her friends.
I do the ignoring certain things. even my mother in law calls that "picking your battles". I use that for my husband alot too. No honey, I am not ignoring you, I am "picking my battles" Definitely a big fan of pizza for breakfast. I rationalize it as it is at least as healthy as a pop tart, right? Butrfly, I want to know if you bought the sign saying "My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy" because that is definitely my housework motto, I say it all the time!
I have no confessions left. Yours are mine, and apparently, mine are yours too.
Thank you. If we lived closer, we could neglect our children together.
How about the fact that I was reading this at my kids bedtime while the 7 year old read the bedtime story. Or how 'bout that I put my son to bed dressed in the clothes he will wear to school tomorrow so I don't have to tell him to get dressed a million times in the morning.
OK, I think I've done almost all of those too. Bad Mutha here too I guess!
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