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1.18.2007

Victoria's Secret Is That She's A Dirty Liar

I'm happy to report that I've taken my Thorazine and I'm all better now!

Especially after reading the comments on this post and god, people's babies DIED and they still moved on with life and are positive again. Surely I can get over my zip code. I've got a healthy daughter with a constant smile, an adorable husband, a great life. I have luxuries most women would love - to wit: the ability to sit on my ass in front of my laptop and bitch about my life.

So, learn from me, won't you? I present you with Do As I Say, Not As I Do:

1. Don't let the dirty whores at Victoria's Secret trick you into thinking that the photos in the catalog AT ALL resemble what you will actually receive. I'm no Giselle, but c'mon.

Victoria's Secret Is That She's A Dirty Liar v.1.0
And all I want for Christmas is to be shaped like a box.

Victoria's Secret Is That She's A Dirty Liar v.2.0

My hips don't lie.

Victoria's Secret Is That She's A Dirty Liar v.3.0
    The ankle socks actually add to this rather than take away, don't you think?

    2. Don't watch the news at the airport while you're sipping a glass of wine at 10:00 am to soothe your nerves because you MAY see this. And it MAY have happened just a few short miles from you. And you probably will beg the bartender to drive you to your destination.

    3. Don't travel to Silicon Valley midweek with your widescreen laptop that seemed so cool a month ago. You will feel like you're wheeling around a 1989 Macintosh that's powered by a generator. And people will look up from their MacBooks and laugh. They will.

    first laptop

    4. Don't try to act cool while on said laptop at airport bar by yelling to your mom that you'll meet her on the plane because "my editor just emailed me and I have to get this article in". Because when you sober up you're going to feel really cheesy. And you'll also realize that the people around you weren't snickering in awe.

    5. When trying to avoid your ex-boyfriend at the bagel shop, keeping your head down is okay but your eyes need to be up. Just so you don't completely wipe out on the sandwich board on your way out the door.

    6. Lastly, when you watch this footage, don't even try to resist singing along. Your inner child will thank you.

    And this one's from Savannah:

    1. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

    I have no idea what she's talking about.

    24 comments:

    Robyn A. said...

    Awesome!

    The kicker is that I would sell my children into white slavery to look like you in that blue number, so count your blessings, the grass is always greener, and all kids of other little pithy phrases that you'll find embroidered on throw pillows at the Hallmark Store.

    If you brush poor Savannah to the point of a bald spot, check out the new Jessica Simpson hair extensions.

    http://mp.hairboutique.com/hairdo_15_clip_wavy.asp

    Ignore the total difference in both texture *and* color. Jessica clearly does.

    islaygirl said...

    love the catalog vs. real photos. TOO true. but you're gorgeous just the way you are.

    Marcia said...

    I think that the second dress from Vicky's looks cute!! And. When dealing with ex-boyfriends, it's better to fall and make a fool of yourself in front of people who don't know who you are than actually talk to HIM.

    Jhianna said...

    You're completely gorgeous, and make me feel much, much better about the despair I get when I try things on that I ordered from catalogs. Thank you!

    Bobealia... said...

    I think you should sue Vickie's for emotional distress.
    What the????

    Butrfly4404 said...

    I don't order from catalogs...mostly because I'm poor, but also because I'm a born skeptic.

    The socks totally rock that dress.

    Daily Tragedies said...

    I particularly enjoyed #5. That would so be me.

    Is it just me, or have the VS offerings gotten WAY cheaper? I don't necessarily mean price point...lately I've been surprised by the low quality material that shows up in my mailbox. And yes, half of it looks like sh*t when I try it on. Hope you got to keep SOMETHING you ordered!

    Daily Tragedies said...

    I particularly enjoyed #5. That would so be me.

    Is it just me, or have the VS offerings gotten WAY cheaper? I don't necessarily mean price point...lately I've been surprised by the low quality material that shows up in my mailbox. And yes, half of it looks like sh*t when I try it on. Hope you got to keep SOMETHING you ordered!

    Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

    Are those MY pictures of the things I bought at VS's? Because I swear I look exactly NOT like those damn twigs in the magazine...Are you watching me again?

    Karly said...

    Must ask this: What in the name of God is that thing that looks like a cross between a typewriter and a laptop? Is that really your laptop? No...its not. Is it? Really?

    Virenda said...

    Oh my....

    What to say about those AWFUL clothes from VS?! Hot damn they're ugly. You my love should spit upon those cheaply made clothes. As you, and the rest of us know, you are far too beautiful to let yourself even LIVE in the same vicinity of the brown, and blue dress.

    By the way, my grandma would totally rock the blue dress with a blazer, and matching shoes. Trust me.

    Lena said...

    VS keeps sucking me innnn! I actually found myself BROWSING while I was photoshopping these pics off their site.

    Whores.

    Lena said...

    Karly - HA! That's actually the very first laptop by Macintosh. It weighed like 30 pounds. I'm not quite that bad. Yet.

    spig said...

    You've been Tagged!

    I am sorry for doing this, but blame Amanda over at Mamapop.

    She knows I don't know anybody that blogs, so it is a dirty trick she played on me!


    http://spig.vox.com/library/post/once-you-have-been-tagged.html

    blog Portland said...

    I think if you rocked the poses like those VS models, you would have had equally good results. But then again, as Virenda likes to point out as often as possible, I have horrible fashion sense.

    Frema said...

    "My hips don't lie."

    AWESOME.

    Lisa said...

    I remember those 80 pound laptops. At the time I weighed like 115 lbs so people would laugh as I would walk down the street with the damn thing.

    And you know.... You should add those white socks to all of those outfits. heehee.

    carmen said...

    Heh. My kids run FAR away if I have brush in my hand when I'm mad at The Hubster.

    Heather B. said...

    Heh, number five is totally me. But in a bar with my eyes down at my blackberry and then practically tripping while walking around the bar. Awesome.

    Amy B said...

    Girl - step AWAY from the catalog shopping.

    Love this post btw!

    robyn said...

    you are not so thin. i love the vs clothes i order.

    Wee said...

    Whoa, randomly searched VS and found your blog. Amen, sista! I've had TERRIBLE results w/VS this past year with their decietful jersey dresses.

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