I'm happy to report that I've taken my Thorazine and I'm all better now!
Especially after reading the comments on this post and god, people's babies DIED and they still moved on with life and are positive again. Surely I can get over my zip code. I've got a healthy daughter with a constant smile, an adorable husband, a great life. I have luxuries most women would love - to wit: the ability to sit on my ass in front of my laptop and bitch about my life.
So, learn from me, won't you? I present you with Do As I Say, Not As I Do:
1. Don't let the dirty whores at Victoria's Secret trick you into thinking that the photos in the catalog AT ALL resemble what you will actually receive. I'm no Giselle, but c'mon.
2. Don't watch the news at the airport while you're sipping a glass of wine at 10:00 am to soothe your nerves because you MAY see this. And it MAY have happened just a few short miles from you. And you probably will beg the bartender to drive you to your destination.
3. Don't travel to Silicon Valley midweek with your widescreen laptop that seemed so cool a month ago. You will feel like you're wheeling around a 1989 Macintosh that's powered by a generator. And people will look up from their MacBooks and laugh. They will.
4. Don't try to act cool while on said laptop at airport bar by yelling to your mom that you'll meet her on the plane because "my editor just emailed me and I have to get this article in". Because when you sober up you're going to feel really cheesy. And you'll also realize that the people around you weren't snickering in awe.
5. When trying to avoid your ex-boyfriend at the bagel shop, keeping your head down is okay but your eyes need to be up. Just so you don't completely wipe out on the sandwich board on your way out the door.
6. Lastly, when you watch this footage, don't even try to resist singing along. Your inner child will thank you.
And this one's from Savannah:
1. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
I have no idea what she's talking about.