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1.17.2007

And They Lived Forlornly Ever After

I don't know why I ever travel.

The same thing happens when I return: depression. I get home, drop the suitcase and flop into bed. Where I tend to mentally stay for the next week.

I'll get up the next morning and do the grocery shopping and clean the house and cook meals for my family and zone out in front of the computer. But, my personality won't return. Not yet. Not until resignation seeps into the spaces where resistance resides. Not until I once again give into my life and stop miring in its glaring inadequacies.

It takes a week or so for me to relax back into the fact that I'm living in a small town I hate hundreds of miles away from most of my friends and all of our family in a house that we may or may not be able to sell and without the prospect of another baby on the horizon.

I suppose its a form of mourning. Mourning what Chris and I have lost in the wake of the choices we've made. Choosing to move to a suburb which did not support our home businesses, our dreams for our daughter, our social lives, our aspirations, our personalities. Choosing to blow copious amounts of money when we had it. Choosing to not have another child two years ago when it would have been safer for all involved.

I realize now that most of the decisions we've made over the past few years have been made out of fear. And I'm tired of living my life through fear; through the filter of "what ifs". I want to take risks. I want to live richly. I want to learn from our mistakes and act differently.

Most of all, I just want to find where we belong.

11 comments:

Butrfly4404 said...

________.

;)

Kristin said...

Hey Scarlett, tomorrow is another day and with it comes the chance to live life a little more boldly.

You'll be ok my little cheeky lotus of prettiness... you are SO young and that means time is on your side.

xx,

K.

Amy said...

I know exactly how you feel.

Aren't you moving soon though?

Marcia said...

Hi sweetheart. Big mental hug. BIG.

And. I've been getting horrendous colds when I come home from travel lately. And I hate Akron. BUT. I try to focus on the positive (like, um, only 7 more months here!) (or, for you, you have the most beautiful, self-assured daughter ever!). And. That generally doesn't work, but it guilts me out of a little depression.

chirky said...

Lena, I feel like there is so much more to this post. And I understand it so (unfortunately) perfectly.

More than anything, more than you moving back to the big city, more than you being out of debt, more than ANYTHING, I'd love to see you guys have another little babykins. I'm pulling for you!

Kristin said...

I am back because I ended up DREAMING about this post last night... and about those frustrations of life that can weigh us down...

Delton said...

Oh my god! Would you please get out of my head? Overcoming fear is a tough task. I have yet to figure it out either, but I hear you. I don't know how you force yourself into a risky situation when it's so much easier to just stay in a safe, semi-miserable place. A place where things can be just fine, but yet you know it's just not right.

Anyway, good luck making those tough choices. I'll be watching anxiously to see how you do it.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I can't help you with the fear because I'm wallowing in it myself, but I can give you a {{hug}} because I know of some of which you speak.

Jenny said...

This too, shall pass.

Well written.

Lena said...

Delton, I'm on it. As soon as I can get out of my own. Ahhhh!

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