*My friends and family looked at me somberly yesterday after reading my last post. "Giving up the blogging are you?" they inquired solemnly. "It was a real post! I had a real question! About shaving!" I exclaimed. "It's nothing to be ashamed of Lena. Every blog comes to its end. There's so many other things you can do with your life" was their grave reply. "But, I just had a QUESTION! WAAAH!"
You guys didn't think it was a weird inquiry, did you? I didn't think so. They don't understand the magic we have between us, you and I.
So, here's why I asked about your leg hair.
When I was about 12 years old, this young married couple stayed with us for awhile while they got on their feet financially. He looked very much like Tom Cruise and she looked like, ummmmm, actually she looked alot like Kelly McGillis. And yes, this is true and no, this isn't an episode of Lena's Barbies.
(Although. Those would be great stories. Because: Lena's Barbies = whores. Barbie ALWAYS ended up under the Kleenex comforter with Ken and his endless quest to satisfy her. But, alas, his arms could not bend.)
The wife was in her late 20's and she was miserable and beautiful and sat on the couch all day and dismissed me and my friends, especially while her husband swam in the backyard and we all giggled at the kitchen windows. Because, Top Gun had just come out and it was KINDA a big deal that Tom Cruise was swimming in our pool.
The only time Little Miss Depressed Ice Princess (who was obviously regretting marrying with her eyes and not her WALLET) spoke to me and my little gaggle of girlfriends was when she was imparting little pieces of beauty wisdom.
She would go days without saying one word to us and then all of the sudden, "Putting avocado and egg on your hair once a week will keep it shiny." We'd all stop talking and look over at her and there she would be, sitting at the kitchen table painting her nails sagely doling out beauty advice in bits.
The next time maybe it would be, "A spoon on your eyes for a minute will get rid of puffiness." Or, "Nothing beats Vaseline for hand cream". And this, which totally works,"Always line your bottom lashline with white liner to make your eyes look bigger."
Then once, "I shave every day just to my knee. Then I do the thighs once a week. It's important to always stay smooth to the knee so you can wear whatever you want and not worry."
I immediately took her advice. Although it appears a little worry about what I was wearing would have been in order.
Even though this advice was 17 years ago, I've pretty much followed it ever since. Until yesterday. When I thought "I'm a big girl now. I'm just going to shave the whole leg all at once" and pulled the razor up and over my knee.
And my entire kneecap tore off and dangled from the blade like a hubcap. And I screamed and fainted and the room filled with blood and the moon went black. Well, it felt like it anyway.
The moral of the story obviously is: Tom Cruise was REALLY REALLY cute in Top Gun. And so was Val Kilmer.
*Check out the comments from yesterday's post for some surprises. One, a whole lot of you go WEEKS without shaving - I would be two eyes poking out from behind a wall of fur if I did this. Two, a whole lot of you have heaving breasts that get in your way - you sexy mamas. And three, I'm SO TOTALLY buying the Veet Razera TODAY (thanks Amy H.).