Put A Bow On Me

Wow. MIM had to close comments on her weight post because people were actually starting to call her names. Personally I didn’t agree with everything MIM had to say, but to personally attack her for her opinion seems extreme.

The real question here, and Virenda brought this up in her comment on my last post, is:

Why are we so quick to judge each other? And so hatefully just because we can hide behind our computers?

So, MIM and obviously many others feel that you have a duty to stay attractive and sexy for your spouse. Well, good for them! They are entitled to their opinion. The end.

I think if I have to stay looking amazing every minute of my marriage to “keep my man” he isn’t worth keeping. But, that’s just me.

I think the notion that we as women are under some sort of obligation to keep our appearance at a certain level is insulting to men. Are our relationships that easily summed up that some weight or a short haircut devalues you as a loving wife? Are men that simple minded that when they’re not constantly turned on by you, they’ll start sniffing out the neighborhood for fresher meat?

I don’t know about you, but my husband is as into what I do as what I look like. ….And I do alot. (That was a joke for my ‘regulars’).

I think where MIM really stepped in it is when she referred to dating as “advertising”. As if we are pretty packages that need to keep up our wrapping paper.

Let me ask you, are all of your girlfriends attractive and thin? When you first met in, say college, were they size 4’s with long hair? Now, in their 30’s are they carrying an extra twenty or thirty pounds? Have they dared to get a “sensible haircut”? Do you love them any less? Do you feel duped that they aren’t the exact friend you made 10 or 15 years ago?

Do you feel it was false advertising? Or are they still the same person with the easy laugh and big heart that you met and loved all those years ago?

Why the double standard? Are women’s relationships with each other that much deeper and more meaningful?

Is it the inclusion of sex in the relationship/friendship that immediately holds rank over all the other aspects in the relationship?

Again, what an insult to the men who chose us. I think if we’re honest with ourselves, we all know that we could look better. And frankly, if your appearance rules your life, then you must be one very scared individual. Because appearance can go like that.

The real issue worth debating here is health.

You drop the word “health” in everywhere where MIM had “attractive” and “sexy” and I’m in total agreement. Heart disease is the #1 killer of women. I do have an obligation to my husband to be healthy every waking moment of my life. Because he signed on to grow old with me and I owe it to him to hang around. I do have an obligation to my child to be healthy because I want to see her grow up and have the energy to run around with my grandchildren.

Now, our health is something worth getting worked up about. Think of all the calories we’ll burn.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


You know how sexy you are when you get all erudite and whatnot? ;-) Yet another intelligent post on the "issue".p.s. Love the new look!

Posted by: Teri M. | 03/27/2006 at 05:51 PM

Amen, sister. And I agree--it's sad that Mim had to close comments on her post.

Posted by: landismom | 03/27/2006 at 06:04 PM

Healthy is what everyone should try to be. You're only sexy when you radiate confidence and I do that the most when I'm healthy. :-)

Posted by: unforgiving b*tch | 03/27/2006 at 06:13 PM

Exactly. Healthy. We know TOO much these days to be anyting but that. Being fit helps me keep up with my kiddo LOL.... I can't imagine how I ragged I would be, since I already feel that way, if I didn't take care of myself. How sad this is such a heated debate? To each his own.

Posted by: Kdubs | 03/27/2006 at 06:37 PM

Great post Lena!! I am totally in agreement re the health issue. Now I need to eat a cadbury cream egg.I'm not sure about the new layout. I liked how the side text was bigger in the other template. That is personal preference though.. and I guess it's not really important info...maybe I don't like the font?Something about the text isn't doing it for me. I like your new "brand" though!!! The umbrella/bottle pic is perfect. Congrats, I still haven't figured out how to change mine around!

Posted by: Jessica | 03/27/2006 at 06:45 PM

I just looked again and it is definitely the font. I'm not happy with the font. The rest rocks. Again, congrats.Also, font is personal - I'm just trying to give constructive/helpful criticism, and if you don't like it just tell me to slog off and I will happily never say anything about your font again.

Posted by: Jessica | 03/27/2006 at 06:48 PM

I'm getting used to it.Ok.I go now.In peace.

Posted by: Jessica | 03/27/2006 at 07:27 PM

LOL, okay Lena way to go with a follow up and I AM IN COMPLETE agreement, screw all that attractive crap and what-not. It's about staying relatively healthy and emotionally healthy for your kids and husband. I personally want to enjoy my "golden" years and after having all my kids young, I deserve to live it up in my late 30's. I want to do that looking healthy and feeling good.Oh and Lena love your new look. ~wink~

Posted by: Virenda | 03/27/2006 at 08:32 PM

On a side note, maybe you can just make the text a bit bigger. I have a laptop and it can be a bit hard on the eyes. I do like the font, just the size is small. Maybe it can be medium smallish...(You can ignore me, lol if you enjoy it the way it is. My contacts are fuzzy, so maybe that's why)

Posted by: Virenda | 03/27/2006 at 08:34 PM

You don't have to keep giving me more reasons to love you. Even though you just did.Hot sex, and looking good in my (or his) skivvies could go right out the window for all I care. I love my man for the friendship we have. And that's what I value. Not the line running down his stomach (although it doesn't hurt).

Posted by: R. Robyn | 03/28/2006 at 12:12 AM

First, love the layout. High five to Kelly! That's too bad that people were name calling. I only read about 20 comments and didn't get anywhere close to the end of it.I completely agree with you, Lena. While I guess I understand the point she was making...I think she's in for a rude awakening. I'm not sure how old she is, but I really wonder if there's going to come a time when she eats those words. My first thought in reading the original post, is that they're shallow people. Now, I know that is probably not true. But I saw she had to explain herself twice (maybe more!) because her first post came off that way (to me). It just appeared to me that normal things, like hair cuts, hair coloring (what will they do when their hair starts greying? Wouldn't coloring her hair be false advertising?), weight gain, decaying teeth, loss of eyesight, etc...were grounds for divorce in their house, and rightfully so. Again, I'm sure she didn't mean it that way, but that's what came off as. I don't know...I think she might have a different opinion if she had problems in her marriage that were outside of her control, like her husband having an affair. She could be the most beautiful girl on earth...that doesn't mean he wouldn't be attracted to someone else. I like my junk food. I would hate that I couldn't eat it because I have to look exactly the way I looked 12 years ago when we first got married. And I would start to hold it against my husband if he tried to make me live up to his standards. He's not the same man I married. In fact, he started smoking after we had been together for 13 years! He's losing his hair. And I love him more now than I did when I was 15, and I never thought that was possible. I don't know...I don't know MIM at all. But I didn't get the feeling of eternal love there.

Posted by: Lisa | 03/28/2006 at 05:00 AM

I totally agree with you. I don't really agree with MIM but it is her blog to say whatever and people should respect that. By the way I love your blog!

Posted by: cubmommy | 03/28/2006 at 06:41 AM

I have always felt that if you thought you were sexy you were. Alot of the appeal is in how we use what we have. My hubby loves me as I am and is always honest with me when I ask the do I look fat to you question. He tells me no, but if I feel like I am he will support me anyway to help me feel better about myself. As I stated before I try to stay healthy for him and my family so I can be here a lot longer. As for the rude people, there are lots out there. And since they can't be seen, they find it big, bad and brave to ridicule others. Makes you wonder what they have to hide.I like the change on the layout. Must be spring!!

Posted by: Reverberate58 | 03/28/2006 at 06:48 AM

1. Love the new look!2. I don't know who Mim is or what her post was about so I'll just comment on your thoughtful post.3. I agree with you. And this is a discussion that has so many levels. To a small extent, your appearance could be viewed as one of the ways you love your partner. If you are a total slob all the time and it becomes something that your partner feels is a message that you just don't care anymore, that could be a problem. When my boyfriend dresses in a hot outfit, it does make me feel good just cause I think he's hot and hey, when you're looking tight and right its just icing on the cake, right? Prolly same thing the other way around.Having said that, I agree that its a pretty dull life to lead if your main goal is looking great for your man! What about matching (or exceeding!) him in intellect? What about bringing some fresh opinion on a random subject that you two can debate about and grow closer because of your newly shared ideas?There are SO many more levels of attraction and partnership in a relationship than appearance, although this can be a powerful tool to bond you and show how you feel for your partner.

Posted by: TheIdleReceptionist | 03/28/2006 at 08:32 AM

I am doing the "Lena is my hero" dance around the computer. Well-put, my friend. Well-put.

Posted by: Jess Riley | 03/28/2006 at 08:55 AM

I really agree with your post but I do want to add that feeling and looking your best, should be something you do for yourself. For me, my husband loved me pregnant, with 50 extra pregnancy pounds that it took FOREVER to get off and everywhere in between BUT I wanted to lose the preggo weight for me. I don't think I owe it to him to look attractive every minute of the day. That would be tough anyway since I still spend the majority of time in sweats without doing my hair. But when there's a night we go out I still like to slap on the whore paint and wear something cute so I still look like I did when he met me. I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. Of course, there's less pressure knowing he loves me no matter what.

Posted by: Stefanie | 03/28/2006 at 08:58 AM

Verenda might be right about the size... not the font. I'm on a little laptop.... so you know - I could just be goin' blind.

Posted by: Jessica | 03/28/2006 at 12:32 PM

This is such a touchy subject for women! Yet, if this were a discussion amongst men, it would've been over in a second.

Posted by: Ficklechick | 03/28/2006 at 01:11 PM

I completely relate to the way that you phrase your thoughts. Another impressive post!I wanted to add that men who use the "I cheated while my wife was pregnant because I was no longer attracted to her” don't deserve their wife or their children.

Posted by: something blue | 03/28/2006 at 03:17 PM


Posted by: Kelly | 03/28/2006 at 03:43 PM

Like the new layout. I tried to read alllllll the comments on Mims blog but it was taking too long.I agree healthy is where it is at. I am fortunate that I sprang back post baby every time, I weigh about 10 pounds more then when I got married but I was way underweight then. Not through any diet or exercise regime that is just the way I was. I am still considered "skinny" but I doubt my husband would even notice if I stacked on a few more pounds.

Posted by: WendyWings | 03/28/2006 at 05:33 PM

Again, well said. I also see the double standard, in that people don't see as much of an obligation on the part of men to stay attractive. If we go even deeper than that, there is some biological evidence that men naturally become more attractive as they age because they are subconciously seen as more stable and better able to provide, while women are subconsciously considered more attractive to the opposite sex when they are younger because they have more time to produce healthy children. So to that degree, women already have that disadvantage.I would have to respectfully point out that in your analogy with female friends, one hopes those relationships do not all include sex (especially if one is already married!), and being attractive is a little more important for that added element to the marriage relationship. But everything else is spot on.

Posted by: Caryn | 03/28/2006 at 08:11 PM

P.S. I go away for a few days, and come back to a whole new blog look. Love it!

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Posted by: Anonymous | 03/31/2006 at 03:45 PM

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