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3.25.2006

Conversations With Dog

Actual conversations I've had with ex-boyfriends:

Me: "I don't want to be your Friday night girl!"
Him: "Better than my Monday night girl. She's pretty ugly."

Him: "Can you please stop eating corndogs?"
Me (with a mouthful): "Why?"
Him: "You're never going to be able to run a marathon eating junk."
Me: "Who said anything about a marathon?"

Me (to boyfriend of FOUR months): "Cool tat. What is it?"
Him: "The Nazi SS symbol."
Me: ???

Me: "Your girlfriend just called me."
Him: "You're not going to mess up my truck, are you?"
Me: "Don't flatter yourself."


Him: "So, were you really sick yesterday when you cancelled our date?"
Me: "Yeah."
Him: "Are you sure you didn't go out with someone else?"
Me: "Yes! Why?"
Him: "I was watching the football game on t.v. yesterday and guess who I saw in the crowd? With another guy?"
Me: "Oh. That."



Me: "I get the feeling that you're married."
Him: "...Really?...Why?"
Me: "Well, you have a tan line on your finger for one. And you always look like you're about to cry."
Him (starts to cry): "I just need a reason to leave. Can you be my reason?"
Me: "Holy hell."

Him: "Oh shit. There's a cop behind me with his lights on."
Me: "Well, pull over!"
Him: "I can't. I didn't hide my drugs or my gun."
Me: ???

Him: "Check out my new tattoo."
Me: "It's...my name...across your back."
Him: "Yeah. Well?"
Me: "I thought I broke up with you last week."

Him: "Those other guys are idiots. I'll buy you a garden where your flowers can bloom."

And I married him.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Comments

You've know some real winners. At least it makes for some entertainment today.

Posted by: something blue | 03/25/2006 at 03:29 PM

god, and I thought i'd dated some assholes. It sounds like you were dating my former clients, lol, most of whom were on probation or parole.

Posted by: Trouble in Shangri La | 03/25/2006 at 03:46 PM

Sadly, I think we may have dated some of the same people!

Posted by: Ficklechick | 03/25/2006 at 04:15 PM

Sadly, I think we may have dated some of the same people!

Posted by: Ficklechick | 03/25/2006 at 04:19 PM

Wow. Ever been asked to duck in a parking lot when the old girlfriend walked by?

Posted by: LikeSoTotally | 03/25/2006 at 05:59 PM

That is fucking funny...really fucking funny. You really dated some winners didn't you? :D

Posted by: robin | 03/25/2006 at 06:22 PM

Um, my favorite is the tattoo of your name after you broke up with him. And the guy who couldn't pull over because of the drugs and gun. That sounds like people that my sister dates. I like the one you ended up with best! :):)

Posted by: Marcia | 03/25/2006 at 06:53 PM

Oh, my. How did you find all these guys? I've had a few winners, but nothing--nothing--like this. I'd like to pick out which one was funniest, but I have to say, they were all funny. Glad you finally found someone worthy.

Posted by: Caryn | 03/25/2006 at 08:54 PM

Drugs and gun guy for 200... Who is Dave the bouncer, Alex.Maybe or maybe not, but he did get us in the club under age. See your friendship has more perks then you think!

Posted by: Freakren | 03/25/2006 at 09:14 PM

Ewww! Renee! Gross! That was one moment! ONE!It was actually Kenny on the way to Tahoe. What a surrrprise.

Posted by: Lena | 03/25/2006 at 10:21 PM

It is good you married the last one and none of the others:)

Posted by: mommyof4 | 03/26/2006 at 05:55 AM

Sounds like you knew when you found the keeper! ;D

Posted by: Faith | 03/26/2006 at 07:15 AM

sounds like you kissed a lot of frogs but wound up with a prince in the end__________reminds me of a conv. I had with a former friend AFTER she slept with my boyfriendher: so when are you going to get over thisme: I'm really hurt, i need a little timeher: i don;t understand your problem ... i can only hurt you if you CHOOSE to be hurtme: ?????

Posted by: Mama Kelly | 03/26/2006 at 08:54 AM

You didn't have any boyfriend convinced you to leave your car in an obscure parking lot so they could take you to the party, and then the next day you come back to your car to find that your stereo, pair of dirty socks, trial size of juniper breeze body spray, and CD's were stolen, have you?

Posted by: R. Robyn | 03/26/2006 at 11:40 AM

LOL! Loved that post, thanks for the laughs - and the smile at the end.

Posted by: Katherine | 03/26/2006 at 02:18 PM

So we dated all the same guys huh?Interesting.

Posted by: Kelly | 03/26/2006 at 02:40 PM

Here we go again, Lena. You, always with the funny ...and me; always LMAO!*grin*This was a fun post to read, thanks.

Posted by: ~ Stacy ~ | 03/26/2006 at 04:28 PM

Here's one of mine after leaving a drug store and seeing that my boyfriend had some stuff that we hadn't bought.Me: (incredulously) did you just shoplift that?Him: Yeah, cool, huh? My friends and I do it all the time.Me: You're an asshole.by the way, he was 40.

Posted by: Stefanie | 03/26/2006 at 05:43 PM

Hilarious!So insane I am actually wondering if you made some of it up. Especially the drugs and gun...But you know, people always look at me differently too when i tell them I smoked crack once by mistake.:0)Craziness.THANK GOD YOU DIDN'T MARRY THE ONE WITH THE NAZI TATOO!!!Is it bad that I laughed at the crying guy with the wife?

Posted by: Jessica | 03/26/2006 at 07:56 PM

Uh, I assure you Jessica. Every single one is real. And I pared it back. I have about 400. This was back when my only requirement was that they be attractive and, um, what was that other thing? Oh, yeah. Hot. And their only requirement was that I have zero need for depth.

Posted by: Lena | 03/26/2006 at 10:08 PM

Funnnneeeyyyy!! Thanks for the giggle.

Posted by: Crazy and lovin' it | 03/26/2006 at 10:23 PM

Yes, how funny is that! Reflecting on the bad ones is good when you can laugh about it. Uggh, I am so glad I am done with that phase in my life.Now, I just get to listen to the same man,repeat the same ole' things and not even in English: 'No, Summer, I don't know where the list is for Mal-Wart.'

Posted by: Summer | 03/27/2006 at 01:52 AM

WOW. Those were some gems! Good for you for finding The One... :o)

Posted by: TheIdleReceptionist | 03/27/2006 at 08:34 AM

Lena, after hearing all your stories and getting these "lines" I have to concur with the fact that you did indeed date some assholes. Oh and they all have weird names. ~wink~Chris is so sweet.

Posted by: Virenda | 03/27/2006 at 11:14 AM

Lena- you should have saved it then for your thursday 13. You only needed four more!

Posted by: Jessica | 03/27/2006 at 01:05 PM

You have found some jim dandies there....The football thing, what are the freakin' odds? Ahhh, cute, I'da like that line as well.

Posted by: Ditsy Chick | 03/27/2006 at 08:47 PM


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