1. Clean my entire house with Clorox Wipes.
2. Re-wash the same load of laundry five times because I keep forgetting about it.
3. Not notice that my husband shaved his goatee for two entire days. I swear I look at his face. Often.
4. Cry on the phone to the receptionist when making a doctor's appointment. For a routine physical.
5. Tap my Coke can before opening (Does anyone know why I do this? Where did I pick this up? I can't stop!)
6. Repeatedly interrupt my working husband to sing "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" while slapping my own ass.
7. Overdraw my checking account with Target purchases.
8. Refuse to read a book that someone else has read before me. I must purchase my own copy! (See #7).
9. Continue to order a Mocha Valencia at Starbucks and then not drink it. (I don't think I like Valencia after all).
10. Palpate my abdomen for masses during yoga class.
11. Clean before the housekeeper comes (back when I could afford a housekeeper - See #7).
12. Hide in my garage from my neighbors. And on the rare occasion when they do spot me, shout out "Heeeeey there!" and vigorously wave, grinning wildly.
13. Perform every function of my day with the thought in mind that I'm one step closer to sitting and eating chips.
1. Find obscenely close parking spaces at the mall during Christmas.
2. Make voices for animals (not animal voices, voices for animals. There's a difference. A big one.)
3. Paint (walls, not pictures).
4. Make people laugh. (Maybe not you, dear reader, but there are others. It's not all about you!)
5. Write extremely well-informed, thoroughly researched, coherent papers without doing a lick of actual research.
6. Give the perfect gift to a person I hardly know.
7. Give advice.
8. Pick things up with my toes. Like the cat.
9. Sell my products and run my business...when I want to.
10. Get a party started. (See #8)
11. Maintain a 4.0 GPA (this feat is being aided by the fact that I haven't registered for classes for the last 3 quarters).
12. Regularly provide clean folded laundry for my cats to sleep on.
13. Make lists.