Pages

2.08.2006

About Me - You Know You Like It

13 Things I Do That I Know Cannot Be Normal

1. Clean my entire house with Clorox Wipes.

2. Re-wash the same load of laundry five times because I keep forgetting about it.

3. Not notice that my husband shaved his goatee for two entire days. I swear I look at his face. Often.

4. Cry on the phone to the receptionist when making a doctor's appointment. For a routine physical.

5. Tap my Coke can before opening (Does anyone know why I do this? Where did I pick this up? I can't stop!)

6. Repeatedly interrupt my working husband to sing "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" while slapping my own ass.

7. Overdraw my checking account with Target purchases.

8. Refuse to read a book that someone else has read before me. I must purchase my own copy! (See #7).

9. Continue to order a Mocha Valencia at Starbucks and then not drink it. (I don't think I like Valencia after all).

10. Palpate my abdomen for masses during yoga class.

11. Clean before the housekeeper comes (back when I could afford a housekeeper - See #7).

12. Hide in my garage from my neighbors. And on the rare occasion when they do spot me, shout out "Heeeeey there!" and vigorously wave, grinning wildly.

13. Perform every function of my day with the thought in mind that I'm one step closer to sitting and eating chips.

...and just to keep it balanced, I give you addendum A

13 Things I Do Inordinately Well

1. Find obscenely close parking spaces at the mall during Christmas.

2. Make voices for animals (not animal voices, voices for animals. There's a difference. A big one.)

3. Paint (walls, not pictures).

4. Make people laugh. (Maybe not you, dear reader, but there are others. It's not all about you!)

5. Write extremely well-informed, thoroughly researched, coherent papers without doing a lick of actual research.

6. Give the perfect gift to a person I hardly know.

7. Give advice.

8. Pick things up with my toes. Like the cat.

9. Sell my products and run my business...when I want to.

10. Get a party started. (See #8)

11. Maintain a 4.0 GPA (this feat is being aided by the fact that I haven't registered for classes for the last 3 quarters).

12. Regularly provide clean folded laundry for my cats to sleep on.

13. Make lists.

16 comments:

mememe said...

Funny.Check out my blog,"Ineedgigs". See if you can multiply any of the funny stuff, if you'd like. I do some stand-up, and look for colloborators from time to time. tim

Virenda said...

Okay being a close friend to Lena I can totally vouch for # 7, in fact she has often interrupted me just to smack her own ass, lena needs an audience apparently.I'd have to go with stacy and say it's better to just buy new clothes then to wash the old ones.Lena you are too flipping funny and YOU make the BEST lists, you are a listing fiend.Oh and doesn't everyone tap the lid of their soda? Cause if not they should. Don't you know it wards off spirts?!Okay kidding. It makes it not so fizzy, right??! Or was my mom just trying to make me feel stupid? Damn her and her waffles...

Stacy said...

Lena! You are soooooo awesome!(grin)#2. You too, eh. Feckin' laundry ... who needs it. Let's go shopping. Heh. Hey, what's the most depressing noise ever? Yeah, you guessed it ... the dryer buzzer. #6. Heh heh heh. You're so bad.#12. Ditto.********* Next list *********#4. Yes, indeed you do. If you can't make them laugh, there's something wrong with them ... seriously wrong.#9. I can relate on the "when I want to". I'm the same way with eBay.That was fun, Lena. Thanks for the chuckles and grins. :)

Kelly said...

Freaking hilarious!!Clorox wipes... I hear ya about that one. I cannot stand using rags. I must be able to throw germs away!Happy Thursday!Mine are up.Diary of the Nello

mar said...

A double feature! double joy! I use wipes for everything, not clorox, though. How did you learn to pick up things with your toes? my 13 are up

Andrea said...

Lena... hmmmm is your real name Abby? Nah... I love Clorox wipes. I even do the bathroom floor with them! I'm a tapper, you're a tapper, wouldn't you like to be a tapper too?You do make people laugh, maybe even the animals too, we just can't tell for sure. I do love your Allie voice. ;) You can pick the cat up with your toes? I can do small things, but wow! you are amazing!And, finally, I LOVE the truth about the research papers! (and I know I shouldn't be starting the sentence with "and"!)

suz said...

Great Lists!Have been using Lysol wipes like crazy lately cause my son wont stop getting sick. I have re-washed clothes before for the same reason. You made me laugh. I pick things up with my toes also. Those cats just love to lay on clean laundry.Happy TT, Thanks for stopping by.Hugs Suzhttp://goinons.blogspot.com/

Kimmy and Jacob said...

Not so normal...My ex used to do that tap on the coke thing...I don't know why. Number 7 sounds normal to me Love Target! and #12...I wish I had a garage to hide in :pI love #4, 8 and 12...great list...both of them.My 13 are up, too.

Lindsey said...

#8 on your first list is soooooooo me! Happy TT!

Renee Cassara said...

I've finally had a chance to post...

WendyWings said...

When you tap the Coke is it in morse code, if so seek therapy LOLMy 13

Trouble In ShangriLa said...

Let's see...I do 1, 2, 4, 5 (you do it to keep it from overflowing when you open it if it's been dropped), 7 (I love me some Tarzhay), 8, 11, 12, and actually ate a bunch of number 13 at lunch the last two days.I'd do number 9 if I took yoga classes, it's entirely possible.I don't know if that means we are both weird, or if these behaviors are normal. ;)

Lena said...

Kelly - I pretty much start in the kitchen with the wipes and end with my 4 year old. So handy.Mar - Having monkey toes really helps! Especially when I can flip people off with my second toe, it's so long.Andrea - the research paper one was just for you! Aren't you proud of your SIL?Renee - I added you - great list!Shangri La - Hmm, think we were separated at birth?? And now that I know WHY I do the Coke can thing, I feel compelled to continue. Thanks!Stacy - Yes. Well, you know how vulgar you get! LOL j/k Thanks fo rbeing such a good sport. I'll try not to be so dense in the future.Wendy - What if the Coke answers back? I'm worried.Vi - I have not interrupted you to smack my ass. You were alreay looking! Gosh - get your facts straight.Lindsey - I can't believe other people actually do this? You must be frivolous - I like it!Kimmy & Jacob - "I wish I had a garage" - you made me LOL.Suz - It's alllll about disposable. Now, if I could just find disposable clothes, all my problems would be solved!

caryn said...

Oh, God. Your list totally cracked me up. Both of them, actually. I definitely have to dive into your blog a little more thoroughly. I would comment on specific ones, but so many were good, that you'll just have to trust that I read the whole thing.

iKat said...

Freakin' HILARIOUS, you are! Thanks for that list (I so wanna redo mine after reading yours! GRRR) and actually starting a blog (4 yrs of lurking paid off amazing!) and giving me a reason to LMAO. SAHM to 3 kids under 5 yrs, need I say more? :-) Looking forward to more of your writes, talented lady. (I was gonna say "Hon" but remembered your other list. LOL

uisce said...

that first list -- o.m.g. are we twins or something? I can see a bit of myself in that whole list. ok maybe not everything, but wow! My 13 are up! Thanks for stopping by!


 photo copyright.jpg
envye template.